“You’re overreacting,” “Don’t be like that,” or “Just relax!” If you hear these phrases more often, your partner may be gaslighting you. We’ll explain to you what’s behind it.
Classic! He constantly leaves his wet sports clothes in the bathroom. The first time you put it away without comment, the second time too. But the third time you’ve had enough and you say: “It bothers me when you don’t pick up your gym clothes!” He turns around, looks reproachful and hisses: “Now take it easy! You’re exaggerating again!” Wow, that worked.
Now the carousel of thoughts starts for you. Was I too bitchy? Should I not have said anything? It’s not that bad with sports gear… The feelings that replace the anger that was just there are now guilt and shame. Next time you’ll think twice about bringing up his sloppiness.
How the manipulation works
Do you know what just happened? Even though HE was the one who created these emotions, the partner suggests to you with sayings like “You’re exaggerating”, “Man, you’re sensitive!” or “You always with your compulsion to control“that your emotions are totally inappropriate and not normal. This is nothing but manipulation! Because it makes you feel insecure or even regrets your reaction.
For this kind of emotional manipulation There is even a technical term: gaslighting. The term comes from the film “Gaslight” with Ingrid Bergmann. In it, a man wants to make his wife appear mentally ill in order to get hold of her jewels. For example, he adjusts the gaslight in the house (“gaslighting”), which keeps dimming – so that the woman believes she is crazy.
Men are often not aware of what they are doing
Graduate psychologist Elke Aliatakis from the platform “Psychologist Online”knows this phenomenon and knows: “The ‘perpetrator’ doesn’t necessarily have to be aware that he is manipulating his partner. This often happens unconsciously, especially in the beginning.” If he criticizes with a clumsy “Now stop spinning” If you dismiss it, there may be no bad intention behind it. He may have internalized such and other phrases long ago in order to avoid a real discussion.
But whether the manipulation happens consciously or unconsciously – Gaslighting can have serious psychological and relationship consequences.“Basically, gaslighting is psychological abuse.”says the expert. “In the beginning, the other person’s statement confuses you and you take a defensive stance. But at some point you start to doubt – women in particular are easily unsettled. You then ask yourself: Is there something to it?” The problem: If the “perpetrator” notices that he is unsettling his “victim”, he can take advantage of this in the future. Often – but not always – it is narcissists who engage in gaslighting.
Help, I don’t want to be a bitch!
If your partner reprimands you with every little criticism, over time you will adopt a submissive attitude. “You then try to adapt automatically”, says Aliatakis, “This leads to your own ability to judge becoming increasingly weaker.” You then rarely express criticism. The fear of being called an oversensitive emotion-slinger or a bitch again is too great. Gaslighting, as a form of abuse, can cause your self-esteem to drop and you no longer dare to express your feelings. The balance in the relationship begins to crumble.
When do the alarm bells have to go off?
Everyone is familiar with receiving a stupid comment from their partner – and it doesn’t have to be gaslighting. But Aliatakis advises: “If it happens again and again and you have a bad feeling about it, You should ask friends or family for advice. They may also have noticed that their partner is behaving strangely.”
How do I react to gaslighting as a victim?
It doesn’t matter whether the manipulations are consciously controlled by the partner. The most important thing is to realize that it is completely normal for me to be upset. I am RIGHT! And if not, I would like to have a reasonable discussion about it with my partner. “It is important to send a clear stop signal”says the expert. “If your partner has a different perception and always uses the same manipulative phrases, then you should ask him: Why do you keep repeating that?” Your partner weighs it down? “Then it’s best to make it clear: I don’t want you to talk to me like that!”
If necessary, explain in more detail why you are reacting the way you are reacting. As simple as it may sound, it is often helpful to simply point out what he is doing with his sentences. “I feel bad when you portray me as a bitch. That’s not fair.” or “The topic is a sore point for me.” Maybe it’s only afterwards that he realizes how crucial the right choice of words is.
According to Aliatakis, getting outside help can also help.“If friends and family don’t have any advice, a couples counselor or psychologist may be able to help.” The important thing is to overcome the shame and admit to yourself: Yes, I need help now!
Under Psychologist Online You can also get advice from experts and psychologists online.