Communicating with children can be a challenge. The parents turn upside down to start a conversation with their child, but somehow everything does not work. Even on questions as lovely as "How was it at school?", There is only a short "Yes, it was nice" or "Was stupid" and the conversation is over, the child does not want to tell anything and closes it the parents. What can help in such a situation?
When the conversations with the child run aground
"I have often been asked in the past few years as part of my therapeutic work and also outside of it: How can we, as parents, initiate conversations with our children in which we can learn more about them? How can we help our children to open up? " Psychotherapist Ulrike Döpfner from Potsdam.
Together with some parents, she then considered what it could take to initiate deep discussions and a real exchange of ideas with children. That's how the book came about "The magic of good conversations: communication with children that creates closeness" (Beltz Verlag, ISBN 978-3-407-86610-3 Print), which would like to provide parents and grandparents with many good thoughts and ideas for discussions with children.
100 creative questions for kids
At the heart of the book are 100 questions on topics such as "feelings", "creativity" or "attitudes and values" that refreshing inspiration for conversations with children, but also with other adults. "They are not questions that try to appear intelligent, but have only one goal: to initiate open discussions," explains Ulrike Döpfner in her book. "These are questions that parents can use to playfully invite their children to an exchange – without any hindsight, that is, without any specific use, in addition to to learn more about the feelings and thoughts of the daughters and sons. The questions are suitable for children aged four to five years and can also be discussed with adolescents and adults ".
These are 17 of the 100 questions from the book:
- What would you do if you could do magic?
- If you could beam yourself anywhere now – where would that be?
- What would you do if there was no school left?
- Which adventure would you like to experience?
- What would you wish for if you had one wish free?
- Who would you like to help?
- What would your dream house look like?
- What compliments / praise would you be particularly happy about?
- Is there anything you'd like to do but don't dare?
- What is your favorite place (this can be a room, a house, a place in nature or any place imaginable)?
- What is your favorite way to spend the school break?
- Which was the best day of your life so far?
- What item would you never throw away?
- What makes a good friend?
- What is bothering you about your school / kindergarten?
- What should parents not do?
- What beautiful dream you have dreamed of do you remember?
The 100 questions are supplemented with numerous sensitive tips on the question how parents can have good conversations with their children. Ulrike Döpfner explains using a few examples: "We combine beautiful conversations with interest in others, take time for each other and have trust. We feel that we are the focus of our conversation partner. From the answers of the two adults and the two children, we can see what made the magic of good conversation so special for them: undivided attention! Whether adult or child, undivided attention makes us feel valued and valuable ".
There is magic in good conversation. A positive energy of connection arises between the two conversation partners. The conversation doesn't drip away, it doesn't leave us cold – it makes a difference.
It is also very important to get the right time and to take time for the children when they signal that they are willing to talkn, even if this happens in time-strained situations, such as getting dressed in the morning. Because, according to the experience of the expert: "Children don't talk at the push of a button when it suits us".
It is also very important for good conversations to consciously put the cell phone to one side and to make it silent, because cell phones are a "massive interference source of conversations".
Better to listen more
The expert also recommends that active listening be remembered: "Parents have the natural impulse to conduct conversations with their children and give advice, which means that children often feel harassed and not properly perceived. We should therefore think more about listening and give our children the opportunity to direct the conversation and say what is important to them ".
When the stress is too much
Ulrike Döpfner is also clear that many parents are under such pressure and stress in everyday life that it is hard to think of quiet moments. The expert says: "In the case of chronic stress such as stress at the workplace or something that is triggered by partnership problems, selective aid measures are not sufficient. Here, too, we should continuously try to incorporate self-care measures such as sport, meditation, healthy eating and sufficient sleep into our everyday lives. It can be important to look for additional external help – be it therapeutic help or a self-help group ". According to the experience of the psychotherapist:
The more we are with ourselves and the more balanced we perceive ourselves, the better we are able to react empathetically to our children, to respond to them and to disclose what is appropriate about us. If we feel balanced, we are 'in a good mood', we have the strength to deal with what the children are confronting us with.
Just a moment for us
In addition, a special family ritual could help parents and their children find each other in hectic everyday life.
Ulrike Döpfner has a nice idea: "Good conversations can succeed in any environment, no matter where we are. If both sides are willing to engage in a conversation, then we can also have a wonderful conversation in a draughty S-Bahn station. If we plan our conversation, for example as daily ritual before bed, we can enchant the atmosphere a bit. We can light a scented candle or tea lights, we can turn on soft background music, we can make aromatic bedtime tea, or we can snuggle up with our child in a particularly soft blanket that we only reserve for this moment. In this way we emphasize the special nature of this situation and show our child through our efforts to make it beautiful how important it is to us. By preparing something pleasant for our senses, we create an atmosphere in which an intimate exchange is promoted ".
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