He remains unrecognized at the test meal

Mr. Wells, we’re talking about zoom, but without a camera, you also didn’t want to send us photos of you for this interview. Why?

I’m one of the last restaurant critics trying to go unnoticed. The photos of me on the internet are ancient – and no one has seen me with my pandemic hair yet!

You once said that to avoid being seen as a critic, you tried to be the least interesting person in the room. How does it work?

I am quiet, make little fuss about my person. In addition, my posture is miserable, I sit so bent forward. I used to try to dress as boringly as possible, now I just wear what I feel like wearing. I don’t think it makes any difference.

There are lists on the Internet about «how to recognize a restaurant critic». Do you know what’s on it?

At least I think I know. The first thing I would say is we order way too much food. More than a normal person can actually eat. Yesterday, for example, we really overdid it. The table wasn’t big enough for all the dishes, they had to bring a side table. It is also noticeable when someone is clearly in charge. I always ask my companions beforehand: “Don’t look at me when ordering!” But it doesn’t help, everyone always looks at me automatically, even if the waiter just says “Fizzy or not?” asks. I end up paying the bill.

What else is suspicious?

A test eater will taste every dish. A normal guest doesn’t do that. This person may try from a plate, but certainly not from everyone. What is the internet saying?

That the critic asks a lot of questions.

Hmm, not really. What else?

A critic goes to the toilet after each visit to take notes.

No, way too obvious. I used to sometimes write something down under the table. Today you take a photo, but everyone does that, you don’t really notice it. You can also use the recording function and discreetly speak a few thoughts into the cell phone.

What if you do get caught?

Then suddenly everything becomes very slow because they cook my food 3 or 4 times before it is judged good enough.

Serious?

I don’t want to complain, of course, but it takes forever. Sometimes the owner’s friends are also seated near me to pretend they are having the time of their lives at this amazing shop. Or the table next to me is left free so I can’t complain about too much noise.

It is said that your judgment could “make” or “ruin” a restaurant.

I don’t pay too much attention to such statements. The truth is, when I party at a restaurant, people talk about it for a while, go once for the first few weeks – but do they come back afterwards? That depends on whether they liked it themselves. What worries me more is that a very small shop will then be overrun. I call each restaurant before the article comes out to check facts. Most of the time, I warn the owners that a lot of people are reading this section.

Bad reviews usually go viral. Which ones do you personally enjoy more?

I enjoy good food more, of course, but the bad experiences allow me to be more creative when writing. When a dish is truly outstanding, I want the reader to be able to taste the flavors. So I try to describe every taste experience as precisely as possible. When it’s no good, it’s just about making the reader shudder.

You once wrote a review about a new restaurant by star chef Guy Fieri that consisted entirely of questions. Like, “Guy Fieri, have you ever eaten at your new restaurant yourself? Ordered that roasted pork that’s as related to pork as you are to Emily Dickinson? Why does your kitchen sabotage even the halfway-appealing entrees with devastating sides and sauces?”

But even that store survived for quite a while after that. Restaurants are closing because they’re not doing something right. I’m just telling people that it is.

You said that you would like to be like a golden retriever who, tail wagging, runs to a place, puts his bone down and barks enthusiastically: Here! Here!

That’s exactly how I feel. I still get excited when I discover a great chef and can recommend them to readers. In our time, saturated with media, attention is by no means evenly distributed. There are many places that don’t get the recognition I think they deserve.

When you started the job ten years ago, you were the first food critic for The Times to dare to review cheaper restaurants. pizzerias, snack bars. At the time, that was almost considered a crime.

There’s so much creativity in places that don’t look like it. There’s a lot going on with pizza in New York at the moment, I think a critic should write about it. Also, after a year or two on the job, I noticed that many of the fancy shops we wrote about were closed again after nine months. These stores don’t really play a role in many people’s lives. Piece pizza or food trucks, on the other hand, do.

Instagram today is full of “food porn”, food that looks as sexy as possible. Many seem to only go out to eat somewhere to post a picture of it afterwards. Does that annoy you?

Oh, I find that rather funny. It’s usually a different audience. When you read a long text that delves into a restaurant and its cuisine, you probably won’t go anywhere just to photograph the large pink dining room or the intricately stacked mountain of jamón ibérico.

A huge Instagram hit was Turkish chef Nusret Gök’s gold-plated steakçe, called Salt Bae. You called his seasoning ritual at the table “a stylized, grotesque gesture”. After all, your pants were marinated like a steak.

I hate anything with gold leaf. It’s just a scam to get money out of people’s pockets. When eating becomes just a matter of status or showing off, it becomes obscene to me.

In times of wheat shortages and increasing world famine, are four-figure dinner bills even justifiable?

Four digits is really high. I recently wrote about a sushi bar that was quite expensive, maybe $400 per person. For two, with sake, you get almost 1000 dollars. But when a restaurant really tries to explore Japanese culture and make it tangible, offers sophisticated seasonal cuisine and the chef does something remarkable with the flavors – then I find that relevant and a great pleasure. Others write about cars costing $100,000 or $200,000 and absurd amounts of money are being spent on watches or paintings today. Oddly enough, it’s always the food that gets a bad rap for being overpriced.

Where did you learn your kitchen knowledge? Was food important in your home?

Yes, but the act of eating together was probably more important in our family than the food itself. Eventually I just found that I love to cook and I started throwing dinner parties a lot. Word got around at some point: There is this guy who writes and likes to cook. That’s how I got my first food column.

What immediately makes you wonder about your job but I can’t verify right now: How do you maintain your weight since you eat out five or more times a week and order half the menu?

Uhh, this is not easy, really not easy. Above all, I try not to drink much alcohol. It’s high in calories, and I don’t need the cocktail to know how good a restaurant is. To do this, I move about the city as much as possible and do sports, sometimes more, sometimes less successfully.

Do you still get invited home for dinner? Or does nobody dare to cook for you anymore?

I have a friend who cooks for me sometimes and I am deeply grateful to him every time. In fact, no one else does.