“I’m practically a single parent this week too” – and social media exploded. A slap in the face for single parents. Why it is like that? Our author is worried.
A group of mothers is standing on the playground and talking: “My husband is on a business trip next week, then I’ll be practically a single parent.” – “Oh, well then I am more or less a single parent. My husband works so much that all the work with the children is up to me.”
One regularly reads such playground conversations on Facebook, Insta and Co. It regularly stirs people’s minds. Single parents are outraged by such a statement, women with a partner are ashamed of such a statement or they justify themselves because they really are raising the children more or less alone, because the: the partner: in is simply never present.
But how alone do you have to be to be a single parent?
Wikipedia says: “A single parent is someone who is raising at least one child under the age of 18 without the help of another adult.” Sounds logical, but unfortunately it isn’t. There are now so many different family models that there is some arguing in social networks about who of the single parents is: the single parent. Which basically means who has it the hardest of all. Because that happens very often in a debate between single parents: You outdo yourself as to who is really a single parent now, equated with whose life is the hardest, instead of supporting and strengthening each other.
There are so many gradations between the classic parent-with-child: ern family and alone-with-child: ern family that it is hardly possible to define exactly when you are a single parent and when you are not. There are newly partnered parents, single parents who take care of their children without any support, interchangeable models, nest models, fathers who pay maintenance and those who do not pay, let alone take care of their offspring in some form, and there are mothers who which, apart from maintenance, prevent contact with the other parent. There are so many gray areas that you are considered privileged if you, as a single parent, have child-free every second weekend and who: the partners: pays maintenance. Alternating model parents are not considered to be single parents, but rather separate parents, and families in which the: the partner: is never physically present are not even allowed to use the word single parent, but that is exactly what she does: raising alone. And at the same time I understand the impotent anger of all parents who wupp everything alone and then have to pull in the funny “I am almost a single parent” on the playground.
Yes, I used to be a “quasi single parent” too …
It would be a lie if I said that I never used “quasi single parent” as a term for a situation. At that time I was completely unaware of what I was saying and, above all, of how political the topic was. So it would be presumptuous to hold something against other parents that I have already done myself. But now I’m a lot smarter and in a different situation. I am not a single parent, but I live separately. Interchangeable model. Again, this is far from the same as being a complete single parent, but I understand what it means and why it makes you so angry.
One: r does EVERYTHING
That means being a single parent. All big decisions are on two shoulders instead of four. Income earns a pair of hands. Errands, doctor’s appointments, homework, dinner, lunch boxes, hobbies, cleaning, washing, shopping, organizing meetings, comforting, fighting fights and making sure that the kids don’t hang around the telly or tablet all day during the holidays … takes care of that a person. Twelve weeks of school vacation, a full-time job and always too few sick days. There is no one who can just quickly get the butter when you’ve forgotten it. Who can step in for a moment if something is wrong. That cushions existential fears or provides for financially. Who takes responsibility when something goes wrong, who supports or relieves the burden. Single parents mostly work full-time and after eight hours on the job they still do the household chores in the evening.
Yes, there are parents who are also often left to fend for themselves, but they have the choice of how they share their job, children and household with the other, who works more and who less. Single parents have no choice. And that’s the really big difference. There is no backup. In the best case, however, a good network that steps in when the butter is all gone. But unfortunately not everyone has that either: and friends, families and co of course also have a life of their own.
“What if something happens to me?”
In addition to financial worries, the greatest fear is: “What happens if I get sick, have to have an operation, break something or just can’t anymore?” There are no real breaks, failures are not factored in. Worries don’t cut in half because they can’t be shared. And no mother-child cure or yoga class in the evening will help. There is a lot of pressure on single parents for years. The mental load is a huge mountain because you just have to think about too much at the same time without being able to take turns.
And what is added and is often forgotten: The arguments and agreements with a person who, in the worst case scenario, would most like to be deleted from your life because there was psychological violence, physical violence because the separation ended in court, because you didn’t want to creates a factual level because pressure is built up through the children, because they are manipulated and instrumentalized, because things cannot be completed completely, because they have been cheated and lied …
The mother on the playground, whose husband is on the road so much for work, is very far from all this.
And yet you don’t have to be alone to feel alone
Of course, couples are then privileged who share the job, make the decisions together and also share the everyday stresses and strains. Nevertheless, there is of course still the same in partnerships, the feeling of being left alone, of being overwhelmed and unfortunately also violence and dependencies, pressure and abuse. There are just as happy single parents as there are unhappy ones in relationships. Being a parent is not a competition, neither is being a single parent. But “Qasi Single Parent” is not a label that you simply stick on for a week, but a life.
Nevertheless: instead of silencing each other, we should start asking questions. Paying attention to our words. Be empathetic and get out of the eternal comparison. Because how bad is it when mom no longer dares to say on the playground how overwhelmed and left alone she feels, regardless of her family background. And yet we can raise awareness of the fact that you are never “almost a single parent” if your partner is not at home for a few days. We are not competitive athletes, we are parents and we should stand up for what we need to be healthy, strong and there for our children. And that starts with mutual respect.