Nele is in fourth grade. She counts the days until the change of school for two reasons: "Because then I'm finally out of this class and because I'm afraid of the new class." While Nele talks, her mother wipes her eyes furtively, then smiles quickly and says: "It will be great in the new school. You will definitely find friends quickly!" Nele shrugs. She can't really believe in it. She no longer knows exactly when it started. Maybe in 2nd grade, maybe later. Somehow, some boys suddenly shot themselves. That unsettled her so much that she became more and more self-contained. "My best friend then said that I became a crybaby and looked for other friends," she says sadly. But however alone Nele may feel, her story is unfortunately not an isolated case. Many children are like you. Being an outsider, or a misfit, as it is called today, is an existential problem. In various studies, social researchers came to the conclusion that "having good friends" is considered the most important ingredient in happiness even in primary school.
Cheeky and shy children have a hard time
Why children become outsiders is very different. Some are – like Nele – simply very insecure and can therefore be thrown off the track quickly. This in turn makes them easy victims. Once caught in this downward spiral, they cannot easily get out of their roles. But the cheeky class clowns sometimes have a hard time in the group. Depending on the group dynamics, they too easily become outsiders. The older children get, the greater the pressure to be compliant. While a few exist well in the group in their uniqueness, others are ostracized. But what can you do if your child somehow doesn't "fit in"?
Under no circumstances speak "a serious word" to the other children
If children do not want teachers or parents to button up the class or the group in question in order to talk to them about the situation, they are right with this assessment. Psychologists strongly advise against such "class discussions" because they stigmatize the child they are concerned with even more. Inviting all classmates to the ultimate birthday party is also of little help. Experts advise that it is better to strengthen individual friendships through invitations or joint activities and to boost the child's self-confidence through hobbies or within other groups. Because the good standing of the child in the class often depends on its own self-esteem. Fortunately, you can also work on this outside of school. But definitely not by badly talking to classmates.
What parents can do:
No, we cannot and should not save our children from every difficult situation. But we can be there for you. Depending on the age, this "being there" looks different …
3 to 6 years – stay calm
The phrase "little kids, little worries – big kids, big worries" is good news in this case. If children of kindergarten age are excluded, you can still observe, classify and give a little support in dealing with friends. The educators will also support the child in finding their way into the group.
DO: Kindly support
DON´T: Avoid sentences like "No wonder nobody wants to play with you"
6 – 9 years – keep talking
Typically, the first serious problems arise in the second and third grades when the class has consolidated. Now it is becoming more difficult to see exactly where the problem is, because the children usually also deal and meet without parents outside of school. Very important: Always offer an ear, but do not ask. It's better to talk about your own day, and also about the moments that went wrong. This helps the child to open up and tell about problems. After all, shared suffering is half suffering. And sometimes you get a good idea together, how to protect yourself from meanness or how to be polite and friendly in a group.
DO: Listen carefully, stay in conversation
DON´T: Spread guilt and look for the "bad guy". That doesn't help anyone.
from 10 years – go to the cinema together
Now things are getting complicated. If the children / teenagers develop with each other and next to each other as rapidly as at this age, it must actually be exhausting. And that for everyone. Added to this is the fact that at this age, vying for the favor of the opposite sex begins, which suddenly ignites a competitive situation. It almost doesn't matter how you fall out of the ordinary. If you are too beautiful, too small, too big, too loud, too quiet, too nerdy, too rich, too different or too poor … any deviation from the norm can become a problem. A good therapy against "feeling alone": films. There are a lot of really wonderful films about the feeling of not belonging. And they always carry – as flat as some may be – a bit of truth and a solution strategy.
Currently in movie theater Aptly the film "Misfit" is currently running. So why not plan a movie afternoon together? After the film, it doesn't feel so wrong anymore not to fit into the crowd … I promise!
DO: Listen well and strengthen your self-confidence by trusting your child a lot and taking it seriously in his or her perception.
DON`T: Forcing conversations, offering 1000 solutions, constantly addressing and problematizing "puberty". It's hard enough, you don't have to ride on it.