“Honey, enlighten the child” – What children should know about sex and when

enlightenment
“Honey, enlighten the child” – What children should know about sex and when

“You, mom, and how do babies get in the womb?” My four-year-old looks at me with big eyes and I wriggle like an eel in a net. I hadn’t expected this question. Not yet. “The belly doesn’t have a hole, does it?” My little one asked again. I take up his second question gratefully. “Of course the stomach has holes”, I answer with relief and we go through them all together. The hole through which the pee comes out, the mouth, the butt hole, the belly button, which used to be something like a hole, and suddenly we are discussing digestion. I am relieved and ashamed at the same time. I skilfully maneuvered around his question and still owed him the actual answer. Why didn’t I just tell him how sex works? Maybe because I wasn’t quite as far as he was. Maybe because I was scared of what he would do with the info. What if he clears up half the daycare? What if he gets in trouble for that? What if my answer upsets him for a long time? I decide to ask an expert.

Children have the right to be answered

Helga Tolle is a qualified psychologist who trains day-care educators on the subject of “Child sexuality and sex education” and gives courses on the subject for parents. And first of all it confirms that I was right in my feeling that I did not answer perfectly. “Children who ask questions have a right to be answered,” she says. Nevertheless, she understands my fears. “Small children do not yet know the social taboos, norms and rules, the very special thing about the intimacy of sexuality, they do not yet differentiate between sexuality and physicality,” she reassures me. “You can safely tell a four-year-old that the penis is put into the vagina during sex, that adults do that when they are in love and that it is nice and doesn’t hurt. Children can handle such an answer well.” I am thinking about my son and I am sure that he would probably have taken that answer really well. But what about the environment? For example, what do the educators do when my offspring starts a reconnaissance mission in the sun group?

Sexual development is personality development

In fact, when it comes to education, my thought of the daycare center is not wrong. “If the educators are well trained, your son’s educational mission will also be wonderfully received and discussed in the day-care center,” says Helga Tolle. “It becomes difficult if the daycare center is not well prepared for enlightened children who share their knowledge.” She therefore recommends parents talk to the daycare center and ask what the guidelines for sex education look like. “Sexual development is part of personality development. The daycare center has to deal with this.” Especially since, according to the expert, a lot of questions arise in the day care center. Children go to the toilet together, notice differences and even fall in love.

Sex is so much more than sex

For the psychologist, it is important that adults understand what sex education actually means. “It’s a weird understanding of education that it’s all about how sexual intercourse is,” she says. “Education is a huge topic. This includes questions like: What does it actually mean for me to be male or female? Why do mum and dad kiss? How does my body feel? What are the physical differences between boys and girls? How does friendship work? ” Children are immensely interested in all of this because it is already part of the reality of their lives. “Kindergarten children, for example, are already falling in love,” says Helga Tolle. “This is serious business. Even if the shape of the relationship will change, the feeling of being in love will not change.” Phew So I mustn’t smile at the fact that my six-year-old daughter has a relationship with Lasse with as many status updates as with Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber? “No,” says Helga Tolle. “You should definitely take this relationship seriously. After all, your daughter does too.” And it’s true. She has lovesickness, is flying high and knows jealousy. She chose Lasse herself and can explain exactly what she likes about him. It’s actually crazy to smile at that.

Starting education during puberty is too late

If you missed the chance to educate yourself in kindergarten and elementary school, it is actually too late to deal with the topic. Because children who have not learned to deal openly with questions about sexuality will not have much desire to suddenly speak to their parents about contraception, even at 14. In general, the following always applies to young people: Parents can only make offers. Parents should leave that to their offspring to decide whether their children really want to talk about body changes, sex and love. “Education with young people has a lot to do with relationships,” says Helga Tolle. “And as always in relationships, it is important to accept the limits of the youth.” In plain language: Young people decide for themselves whether, how and with whom to talk about sexuality.

Good books, good information

I go home and decide to cut a slice from Helga Tolle. Your calm and relaxed way of talking about sexuality seems to me to be the key to good conversations with my children. I also plan to. To take my children’s relationships more seriously and hope that Selena’s and Justin’s parents do too. But above all, I am sure that I will provide answers in the future. Even if I am uncomfortable with them and I squirm a little inside. Because it is really important to me that we keep talking. My son’s question was a great offer to me. And again I won’t turn down such an offer.

Book tips and information about sex education:

https://www.bzga.de/infomaterialien/sexualaufklaerung

Barbara