In France, one in ten children lives in a blended family. This family model is by definition not simple and can be a source of problems. Catherine Audibert, psychologist, gives us her advice so that everyone finds their place in this new configuration.
According to INSEE, "a blended family includes a couple of adults, married or not, and at least one child born from a previous union of one of the spouses. Children who live with their parents and half-brothers or half-sisters are also part of a blended family”.
This model takes on multiple faces today: a separated or divorced woman with children may have blended a family with another man who also has children from a first relationship or not. And vice versa. This new couple may have one or more children together. Children from the previous relationship can be in sole custody or in joint custody with one of the parents.
The main difficulties encountered by stepfamilies
In these different cases, difficulties can arise. “What is most often encountered in the recomposition is the difficulty for each other to find its place”, Notes Catherine Audibert. Concretely, this manifests itself in several ways:
- Step-parents do not always know what attitude to adopt towards their step-children.
- Man or woman does not know what place to give to his / her new spouse in relation to their own children, "especially since he / she may feel guilty for making them experience separationAdds the psychologist.
- Children can be caught in a conflict of loyalty, especially if one of the parents suffers from the separation and remarriage of their ex-spouse. “They refrain from loving or just being at peace with their stepfather or stepmother”.
Fortunately, a blended family is not all about problems. It’s also an opportunity to bond with new people. But for that, everyone has to put in their own.
To live this recomposition as well as possible, here are the pitfalls to avoid.
Trap 1: Ask the children to immediately accept the step-parent and step-siblings
It’s never easy at first. The couple formed by the two adults is recent, therefore often fused and very close. But that is not to say that they should ask their children to have an unconditional love for their step-parent and step-siblings.
The psychologist’s opinion : “The important thing is to give yourself time. Links will not happen overnight. It may be necessary to go through a certain hostility at the start, but not to face up. The children did not ask for anything, they are suffering the situation. They must be given time to appropriate it and not be asked to immediately love their in-laws, but at least respect them first.”.
Trap 2: Imposing the stepfather or stepmother as a second father or second mother
The parent who is rebuilding his life must obviously make room for his / her companion / partner with regard to children. It is a question of dosage: the step-parent should not take the place of the father or the mother of the child, but neither should he be totally removed from the education of his step-children because they live together.
The psychologist’s opinion : “the parent must trust his half so that he / she becomes another parental figure for his children, while not competing with the legitimate parent. The step-parent is added as a referent and a person on whom the child can rely to grow”.
Trap # 3: ask your children not to form emotional ties with the step-parent and step-brothers and sisters
Sometimes, after a divorce or a separation, the parent who has not yet started his life over can put his jealousy and unhappiness (hurt that his ex-partner has started his life over with someone else) on his children, so that the latter develop a form of resentment towards their step-parent and his children.
The psychologist’s opinion: “children must be free to be able to establish emotional ties in their two families”.
Trap n ° 4: educate children in their own way
Before the family was reorganized, each member of the couple had their own way of raising their own children. It can be difficult for the couple to agree on raising children. The risk is that everyone will stick to their positions and decide to maintain their way of doing things with their children.
The psychologist’s opinion : “There cannot be two-tier education in a blended family. The new couple must agree on a common education and this must apply to all the children in the house. The authority of step-parents must be put in place gently and in a spirit of equity and balance between children who are not all in the same bed”.
Trap # 5: not saying it right
This bad habit is valid for all families. But it is more difficult to dare to say what is wrong in a blended family because the relationships between the different members are emerging and new habits are developing.
The psychologist’s opinion : “family councils once in a while can be helpful in giving everyone a voice and so that everyone, children and adults, can express what they think is not working well, or even what makes them suffer”.
Trap n ° 6: not wanting the child of the new couple to have links with their half brothers and sisters
In most cases, the arrival of a child from the new couple helps to unify the family because it makes the family link between the step-parent and the step-children. But sometimes, some parents maintain a divide between the family of today and that of today and do not accept that this new child forges ties with his half-brothers and sisters.
The psychologist’s opinion : “often it is through the presence of the new child that the family becomes family. But only if the adults wanted to be a family. On the other hand, if the past of one of the two parents is still not tolerated by the new partner, the latter will do everything so that the child of the new couple does not become attached to his half-brothers and sisters. Unfortunately, this situation is a source of suffering for both adults and children, and sooner or later parents may be criticized for not having been able to make this family connection.”.
What about the rights of the step-parent over the child or children of the person with whom he lives?
"In France, the step-parent has in principle no right or duty towards the child of his spouse or the person with whom he lives.", reminds the Senate on its website. There are still two provisions of the civil code which give rights to the step-parent:
- voluntary delegation, which provides that the child's parents may partially or fully delegate parental authority to a third party.
- the delegation-sharing which authorizes a sharing of parental authority between the parent (s) of the child and a third delegate (the step-parent in this case) "for the education of the child”.
5 books to explain the blended family to children
– The game of this family, Rouergue editions – € 21.43 – Amazon.fr
– My Family Puzzle, La Cabane sur le Chien editions – 10 € – Amazon.fr
– My recomposed family, Giboulées editions – € 2.80 – Amazon.fr
– My Recomposed Family: A Guide to Help Children Adapt to Change, Éditions du Signe – € 5.95 – Amazon.co.uk
– Aimée et Mehdi… throughout life – My family is recomposed, Casterman Jeunesse editions – € 10.90 – Amazon.co.uk
Sources:
Also read on aufeminin
Step-parents / teenagers: how to make them get along?
The keys to caring parenting
What are the rights and duties of step-parents over the spouse's child?
How is a divorce proceeding?