Do men really fall in love differently than women? Psychologist and couples therapist Oskar Holzberg takes a closer look at the topic.
In short: why is it important to know? Now in detail: Why do we deal so tirelessly with the differences between the sexes? As if the secret of the happy relationship was hidden there. But are we even closer to it if we can answer this question?
For example, suppose we demonstrated the difference between men and women when they fall in love. And, suppose we now knew that men fall in love faster but more superficially. Would women no longer take their admirers' expressions of love seriously?
Or vice versa: We know that men fall in love more seriously and more slowly. Would the consequence be that women in love would wait infinitely patiently until the dudes' love penny dropped? And in the meantime, would you bet your friends on how long it would be?
Does the gender distinction help us?
No, the questions about gender differences are ultimately security issues. Hidden in them is the desire to drive out love's uncertainty. So that falling in love is as comfortable as shopping in the supermarket. Unfortunately it is also so boring. We would only like to get involved in our feelings of infatuation when we were sure that the other would do the same. Perfect give and take. Like shopping.
Our love life would then finally be as predictable as the relationship nerds from Silicon Valley fantasize about. Falling in love would be just another algorithm that tells us: Now comes the step, and then this and then that. We want to calculate the unpredictable. So that we no longer have to follow the uncertain flow of our feelings. Because that scares us.
Today we can live out our sexuality relatively freely and make countless contacts via digital media. We are less afraid of never getting to know someone we like. Rather, we fear developing feelings that are too deep for someone who doesn't get involved. We fear getting involved with someone who gets scared when fun turns into serious intent. Who doesn't know his feelings, confuses excitement with being in love and lust with love. And sometimes we fear being that person ourselves. We can only find the security we are looking for if we know who we are.
We always get to know another person anew
But we can get to know ourselves better and better – and thus learn to differentiate between our feelings. Falling in love is not a puzzle in which we just have to put the prefabricated parts together correctly. It is a process that evolves indefinitely and unpredictably.
Men fall in love differently. And women too. And every man and woman is different. And every man with every other woman and every other man and every woman with every other man and every other woman is different. Falling in love remains: no risk, no fun. And isn't that what we're looking for?