That’s it: between you and your partner, it’s over. You have broken up: the separation is established, you will not go back on it. What to do now ? How to overcome sadness, regain self-confidence and forget this love story to (possibly) move on to the next one?
First, do a “debrief” of your relationship to accept your breakup (and get over it)
“If you can, start by ending your love affair on a positive note: arrange to meet your former partner in a “neutral” place unrelated to your relationship (for example: in a café, in a park, at the edge of a river…) and take the time to look back on your memories” advises Saverio Tomasella, psychologist and psychoanalyst.
The objective of this final meeting: to take stock of what your relationship has been like, what worked and what did not work. “Of course (and especially if the breakup was painful), it is preferable to wait a little before doing this “debrief” of your relationship: a week, two weeks, a month… The time limit depends on each person.“
Please note: in certain situations (when the separation was violent, for example), this approach is obviously impossible.
First step: after a difficult breakup, break away from your ex
Step number 2 to get over your breakup: “break away from your ex-spouse!“. According to the psychologist and psychoanalyst, this point is essential to succeed in “moving on”: “unsubscribe from their social networks, ask your loved ones not to give you any news about your ex-partner, avoid going to places where they are…“
“It’s very complicated, that’s for sure, but it’s really necessary.“Give yourself the time necessary to remove as many links as possible with your ex-partner.
A new activity to fill the void after a breakup
And after ? Step 3: Reinvest your energy in another activity. “It’s about devoting the energy that you have previously given to your relationship elsewhere.” clarifies Saverio Tomasella. Indeed: “if this energy remains unused, this is where we can see aggression, lack, depression, extreme sadness appear…“
What to do after a breakup? Creativity as a solution to grieving a relationship
Preferably choose an activity in which you thrive: your work, outings with your friends, family meals, raising your children, sport… “Creative activities are preferred” advises the psychologist and psychoanalyst.
Painting, drawing, collage, sewing, cooking, gardening, singing… “In psychoanalysis, we talk about sublimation: the idea is to transfer psychic energy into the field of creativity. This allows the brain to develop new neuronal connections: little by little, these will “replace” the old connections linked to your past.“
Furthermore, this new well-being activity (which you might be able to adopt in the long term?) will only nourish your self-confidence: great for overcoming the fear of abandonment!
After a painful separation: what should I do if I can’t get over it?
When should you consider seeing a therapist? “If the sadness is unbearable, if you have the impression that “you can’t do it anymore” for more than 24 hours, if you experience attacks of anxiety, crying, anger or depressed deep, if you feel “disconnected” from reality, if you have the feeling of “no longer understanding” the world around you, if you are afraid of the future, if you develop abnormal anxiety, if you have dark thoughts… I advise you to make an appointment without delay with a psychologist, a psychotherapist or a psychoanalyst in order to get through this difficult period as best as possible.“
Same thing if you feel like all your breakups are the same: “there is perhaps a pattern to be identified, with personal development work to begin to finally achieve a serene love story” emphasizes Saverio Tomasella. Here, professional help is certainly beneficial.
Thanks to Saverio Tomasella, doctor of psychology and psychoanalyst, author of Fusional Relations (ed. Eyrolles).
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⋙ Cobwebbing: what is this method for forgetting your ex after a breakup?
⋙ Romantic breakup: these 4 signs announce the end of your relationship, according to an expert