How to properly apologize to your children? (and why it matters)

If the parents do not want apologize to their children, it is not out of pride or bad faith: the reason is often deeper than that. Indeed, for many of them, excuses presented to their offspring are synonyms of weaknessAnd undermine their authority : “they have the idea that if they admit a mistake, they’ll lose control, and the kid will jump up and step on them”says Dr. Tovah P. Klein, director of the Barnard College Center for Child Development, at parents.com. So this is the fear of losing authority which pushes mom or dad not to apologize.

But this idea is far from proven; quite the contrary! According to specialists, apologizing would even reinforce their credibility as an authority figure, and therefore, the respect shown by their brats. More generally, the gesture would even be beneficial for the parent-child relationship. Indeed, apologizing to toddlers helps them to to feel understood And considered at fair value. Also, apologizing is showing vulnerability and showing thatwe trust the person to whom we ask forgiveness. Thus, it is an essential step in the construction of the toddler’s relational trust, which will then serve as a sound basis for all other relationships.

But to benefit from all these benefits, it is still necessary that the excuses are well made. So, how (good) to apologize to your children? Specialists answer us.

Apologize while acknowledging the child’s emotions and feelings

Very often, when mom or dad has to apologize to his child, it’s because he did something inappropriate towards him and thathe hurt him. Thus, therapists claim that a good apology must take into account the feelings experienced by the child following this behavior. If you show him that you sincerely acknowledge that you have hurt his feelings, you are showing him at the same time that the relationship can be repaired and that it can start again on balanced bases.

Admit your wrongdoings and take responsibility for your actions

“Acknowledging the error, offense or callousness (of the act) is the first step to apologizing properly”says Susan Shapiro, author of the best-selling The Forgiveness Tour: How to Find the Perfect Apology.

During her research, she found that children who had felt betrayed by their parents would have liked to feel listened to, understood, and loved following the hurtful event, in particular through an apology.

Clearly verbalize your apologies

Psychologists have identified nearly 5 forms of love language. Thus, the ways of communicating and expressing oneself with loved ones (romantic partners, friends, children) differ according to the individuals concerned. To apologize, some will offer material gifts, while others will propose an outing to the amusement park.

If the intention is good, the form is not the most effective. According to child specialists, it is important, when you apologize to your darling, to express it verballywith a direct and explicit sentence such as “I’m sorry”.

Your apology should not include excuses : you have to apologize without justifying yourself, without looking for pretexts to clear yourself of customs or not to take your responsibilities. In this sense, specialists recommend avoiding terms like “but” when talking to the child.

Explain to the child why the incident happened, without losing responsibility

If you explain to your child why you adopted this inappropriate and/or hurtful behavior, he will understand that the situation was exceptional and that it will not happen again. Moreover, to ask him the context and explain the circumstances that led to the fault humanizes you: you show him that you are only a human being like the others, and that it happens to everyone to make mistakes sometimes.

Of course, as mentioned earlier, the goal is not to justify yourself or not to accept your responsibilities; but much more to explain things. For example, if you got angry and yelled at him, you might deploy the following sentence: “I was so frustrated that I couldn’t finish my work in time that I pushed you away without listening to you. I’m sorry for being so stressed and for putting you through it”. This does not show that you were wrong in reprimanding him on substance, but rather that you were wrong in the form your sermon took.

Apologize with words and make deeds follow

Excuses are just words if actions don’t follow. For him prove that you are sincerethat he can believe in your excusesand ultimately boost his confidence in youit is essential that your behavior coincides with what you said.

In addition, apologizing contributes to the education you give him: you are the first model for your child. Acknowledging your wrongs and showing that you are making an effort to change instils values ​​that are useful for the quality of future relationships. In doing so, the message you send him is strong: whatever his age, it is important to question himself and always possible to progress.

Open-minded and in love with life, Emilie likes to decipher the new phenomena that shape society and relationships today. Her passion for the human being motivates her to write…