how to recognize it and escape it?

Some people will probably find the word "toxic" a little too strong, but it is not. Those who have been in contact with a relative like this know he is not. In everyday life, this word is generally used to describe a substance which acts like a poison. To designate this kind of relationship, it is also appropriate, as it can poison existence. Catherine Verdier, psychologist, defines that “All toxic parents, regardless of their backgrounds, just ignore the child. They do not provide for their emotional, physical or psychological needs. "

By affective, we obviously mean the love that a little one needs to develop peacefully. A toxic parent will never tell his child that he loves him and will always find something to complain about (or conversely, will show him too much love and eventually suffocate him). The physical aspect includes basic needs such as food deprivation, for example. "You are not eating, you are too fat". The psychological aspect represents the development of the child in all its forms, which the parent does not respect.

Toxic parenthood is a form of abuse, ruled by malice. The actions taken are pernicious, perverse and cannot be seen from the outside.

Which profiles?

Strictly speaking, there is no predisposition in women or in men, and the forms of toxicity are very different from one sex to another. Men are more likely to use force and violence, while women will position themselves in moral malice. Toxic parenthood is much less visible among women, due to society's image of mothers. Indeed, the collective imagination generally does not suspect that a mother may be capable of exercising any kind of abuse on her child, such as sexual abuse, for example, which does exist.

Whether they are male or female, it is not easy to detect their nature as toxic parents, on the contrary. These are people completely normal and ordinary, that you come across around the corner and who could easily be trusted. Perfectly integrated into society, they have a social life and even those close to them do not unmask them, due to the false image they give themselves. It is in private, in the restricted family sphere, that their true faces appear. It is no exaggeration to compare this change in attitude to day and night.

The tools used

To achieve his ends, a toxic parent will use different techniques, his goal being to use his power as a parent to tyrannize, coerce, dominate or get something. For this, he can use:

• physical violence
• insults, a real lever of power and demeaning of the other
• guilt, everything the child does is never good or enough and everything is his fault
• victimization or the art of being complained to coax others
• blackmail, with gifts and money that can be taken back at any time if the child does not comply
• Authoritarianism, with punishments or demands that are excessive or not age appropriate

As "normal" parents, you have probably used one of these tools to make you obey. Don't panic, that doesn't make you a toxic parent, reassures Catherine Verdier. "We've all been at one point or another so tired or upset that we ended up blackmailing 'I'll give you a treat if you clean your room.' What differentiates these bubbles of annoyance or aggression from those of a toxic parent is that they do it regularly, never apologize, praise, or question themselves. "

Why ?

When a child is small, he is usually not able to defend himself and is easily manipulated. As he grows up, however, he becomes aware of the toxicity of the parent in question and wonders a lot. Why is he like this? Will it ever change? Catherine Verdier has a strong opinion on the question. “These are unhappy people who unexpectedly have very low self-esteem. Like the phenomenon of bullying, the main characteristic of these adults is to make themselves stronger at the expense of others in order to feel better, although the reasons may vary. These people never change, and sometimes their age makes them even worse. "

How can this kind of person be in a relationship, you ask yourself? Know that at the beginning, they are good companions and manage to seduce without any problem. Things usually turn sour with the arrival of the first child, who acts as a trigger. The cases vary but this baby often takes the place of the toxic adult, or simply takes up too much space.

Did this parent already have this toxic personality in them before the child was born? It's hard to say. One thing is certain, it is often when the child arrives that it comes to light.

The example of narcissistic perverts (who fall into the category of toxic parents) is very telling since at home either, we do not detect their bad side before they are in a relationship or become parents.

The consequences for a child

For a toxic parent, destroying a child is unconscious, even if the end result is the destruction of his self-esteem and his self-confidence. The mechanism is not to say "I want to destroy it" but rather "I want him to be perfect, to be like this, to be like this". The adult will pretend that he is acting for the good of the child, but in reality, he does it for his personal need, which the child comes to understand as he grows up.

With this in mind, and since it is an unconscious mechanism, a toxic parent will never recognize that he is toxic. This is all the difficulty for a child who has become an adult because he is waiting for a change that will not happen. Waiting for a repair eaten at him from the inside.

The severity of the sequelae will potentially depend on the family environment. If the other parent is someone completely built up, the child will be able to rely on them and have positive experiences, regardless. Within a sibling, the brothers and sisters will be able to talk together and express their discomfort, even if this is not always the case.

Later, children who lived alongside a toxic parent during childhood usually do not reproduce what they went through, but it can still happen. Another very plausible option, however, is that of finding a spouse who will make them experience what they have previously experienced. Weakened, in search of love and recognition, they are "easy prey".

How to escape a toxic parent?

It's usually around the time of adolescence that the relationship explodes. The child becomes aware of things that he did not see as a child and no longer accepts them. For his part, the toxic parent feels that he can no longer use the child so easily and the conflicts then become regular.

Once they become adults, children react in different ways. "I have patients who travel to the other side of the world to escape this parent who is poisoning them, explains Catherine Verdier. There are others who come to understand that this destructive influence is not their fault and integrate having a toxic parent into their lives. Forgiving, or at least accepting, helps ease their pain. Still others choose to be front-line and usually pay the price. By sending a letter, for example, to explain what they went through, the harm done to them, etc. The response, if it exists, is unfortunately always disappointing. It uses up a lot of energy and causes grief. "

There are counter-manipulation techniques, such as take some distance and remember that the problem is with that parent, and not the other way around. Getting help is also essential according to Catherine Verdier. “You have to restore, repair what has been broken or damaged before you can escape this grip which, in any case, will always exist. "

Many thanks to psychologist Catherine Verdier for her expertise.

For further…

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