how to recognize it and free itself from it?

We all need to love and know that we are loved. It's a completely normal addiction. On the other hand, when it is characterized by a permanent, excessive and obsessive need for love, to be reassured, or to please, it can induce great suffering. In love as in friendship, affective dependance designates a phenomenon of psychological incapacity to live by and for oneself. Endowed with poor self-esteem, the person who suffers from it perceives himself only through the other, even if it means neglecting and forgetting himself. How to recognize emotional dependence? What to do to free yourself from it? Let's take stock of the dependent personality disorder.

What is emotional dependence?

"Affective dependence is when you love too much, to the point of forgetting your own needs, of not respecting yourself, of blending into the other and of having the impression that you cannot live without it. 'other', Géraldyne Prévot-Gigant, psychopractor and author of 50 exercises to get out of emotional dependence (ed. Eyrolles). Of course, we all need each other and need to feel loved. So, we could say that we are all, more or less, emotionally dependent. The problem is when this emotional dependence becomes problematic or worse, pathological. The emotional addict believes that their happiness depends only on their relationship to others. As a result, he / she lives in the quest to please at all costs, in order to receive love and not feel excluded.

If emotional dependence exists in all types of relationships (friendly, family, professional …), it is much more recognizable in love, according to our expert, "Because there is an intensity of feelings which brings out the problem in a very marked way". "Family or friendship dependence will manifest itself in a more discreet way, where, for example, the person will, again, constantly over-adapt to the other, be sensitive to the gaze of the other, not dare to say what she feels, which does not suit her ", she says. To be sure to please, it is above all necessary to focus above all on what pleases the other, to the detriment of your own desires. “Communication will be biased by the fear of displeasing. It is recurrent in the emotional addict, he absolutely does not want to disappoint the person he loves ", adds Géraldyne Prévot-Gigant.

Emotional dependence: the signs to recognize

Affective dependence can result in different signs of varying intensity depending on the individual:

• Fear and avoid any disagreement with the other (fear of conflicts, of being rejected, excluded)
• The fear of being left, the fear of abandonment
• The need to be complimented and valued
• Living through your partner (decisions, outings …)
• Lack of self-esteem
• Living in a permanent sense of insecurity
• Do not express your needs or set your limits

In a relationship, it is important to see if we are in love or attached to someone who makes us insecure. “The emotional addict will tend to choose insecure people, which will accentuate his emotional dependence, as if to confirm that harmonious love is not for him. And because there is a non-love of oneself, completely unconscious, and which comes from the passive ", adds the psychopractor. Affectionate addicts have very low self-esteem. Often, it is elements of the past that have deteriorated their narcissism. Thus, it is to others that they seek to please, remaining, on the contrary, totally deaf to their own needs and wishes. They forget each other, do not love each other, which is why they need to be reassured and to feel that they exist thanks to the gaze of the other.

Where can emotional dependence come from?

According to Géraldyne Prévot-Gigant, there are several possible factors: a relational disharmony with the parents, if they are not affectionately demonstrative, if they are cold, if there is not good relational quality between parents and child, or a separation at a young age. "I always question my patients, going back a long way to identify what were the first separations that could have been badly experienced and leave a mark", says the expert. “Then, when you are a child, a relational quality not meeting the appointment, parents not reassuring, climates of psychological and physical violence, bereavement, or for example constant moves due to the professional situation of parents can be factors ", lists the shrink. "Well, I always watch the first love story, because there can really be emotional trauma". Significant break-ups or a series of bad encounters, experienced as devaluing, can also be at the origin of emotional dependence. Affective addicts suffer from a great fear of abandonment, rejection and separation as a result of past events. "This trauma is there in the subconscious of people and that every time they are going to get attached, to fall in love, there is the risk of losing the other. In fact, whenever there is attachment, there is some form of anguish ".

How to overcome emotional dependence?

To free oneself from emotional dependence, it is first necessary to recognize it, which is not always easy. It is very difficult to empower yourself without the help of a professional. "You have to discover how to come back to yourself, to your center, not to abandon yourself and learn to establish relationships that are balanced for yourself and for the other, with the help of therapy support", advises Géraldyne Prévot-Gigant. “Work on oneself is essential, so that the emotional addict discovers what his past wounds are, his biography of attachment. By understanding this, there is already a therapeutic phenomenon ”, says the psychopractor. The goal of therapy will be to help the emotional dependent person regain self-confidence, love and respect. "She has to make herself the most important person, whereas before, the other was the most important person". Finally, our expert reminds us of the importance of feeling good and safe with his therapist so that the emotional addict can explore his injuries and insecurity. A benevolent, human and warm environment essential for him to find self-love.

Thanks to Géraldyne Prévot-Gigant, psychopractor, geraldyneprevotgigant.com

For further :
50 exercises to get out of emotional dependence, Géraldyne Prévot-Gigant, ed. Eyrolles
Emotional dependence: Six steps to take charge and take action, Geneviève Krebs, ed. Eyrolles
Overcome emotional dependence, Sylvie Tenenbaum, ed. Albin Michel