Going on a family vacation overnight? Invite friends to dinner without planning the menu? Are you escaping as a couple for a romantic weekend on a whim? For you, it’s impossible. In life, your golden rule is anticipation: you plan everything, from your meals for the week to your next vacation, from your clothes for the day to your children’s studies… and you have very little tolerance for the unexpected. Even if it means suffering when the (inevitable) chances of life get involved.
Why do I always need to control everything?
But what exactly is behind this “hyper-anticipation”? “It’s a control issue.replies psychologist and psychoanalyst Saverio Tomasella. The person who is in excessive anticipation refuses to lose control over their environment, so they do everything in place to keep control.“In summary, these people with a “desire for control” are unable to let go…
What causes hyperanticipation? “Several factors can come into play: there is a question of ego, of course (“I don’t want to lose face, I don’t want to be ashamed!”), but also sometimes unpleasant surprises experienced during childhood or adolescence (“I never want to be found wanting again as I may have been at the time”) or even unexpected traumas (a burglary, an attack… which the person interpreted to “it wouldn’t have happened if I had anticipated better”)” analyzes Saverio Tomasella.
“Anticipating therefore means controlling a situation, an environment. But it can also be a question of a notion of poweradds the psychologist and psychoanalyst. It is I who decides the planning of the year, the menus of the week, the vacation destination… I therefore feel a feeling of omnipotence towards my social group – family, friends, children…“
Problem: Excessive anticipation can have harmful consequences. On the person himself, first: “there is the risk of becoming exhausted, because it is obviously not possible to control 100% of the elements that make up a situation nor 100% of the behavior of one’s social surroundingsexplains Saverio Tomasella. Hyper-anticipation can also cause nervousness, anxiety, stress and irritability… especially when things don’t go as planned.“
In some people who are very anchored in hyper-anticipation, “there can even be anxiety and/or panic attacks, that is to say pathological situations with real discomfort, psychological suffering” underlines the expert.
On those around the hyper-controlling person, then: “This toxic behavior can be the source of arguments, because some people categorically refuse to be subject to control“.
How can we calm this need to always anticipate everything? For psychologist and psychoanalyst Saverio Tomasella, excessive anticipation is difficult to quell: “it is rare for the person concerned to become aware of their behavior. If we point out to her (“you are in constant control, you never let us do anything, you always want to decide everything…”), she will generally adopt a defensive attitude and argue that it is her character . More rarely, she may completely go into denial of reality – “it’s not true, I’m not like that”.“
Anxiety, anxiety, family conflicts… How to stop anticipating too much?
In the event of awareness, psychotherapy remains the best solution: “this problem of excessive anticipation is often deep and serious: the support of a specialist is generally essential – psychologist, psychotherapist, psychiatrist, psychoanalyst, etc.“Brief therapy (such as cognitive and behavioral therapy or CBT) may thus be offered.
“While waiting for the appointment with the psychologist, you can already try the delegation exercise” suggests Saverio Tomasella. Concretely? “Let’s take the example of a cleaning day at home. Instead of doing everything yourself, delegate certain tasks to those around you: so-and-so will vacuum, so-and-so will clean the windows, so-and-so will dust, etc.” explains the specialist.
Try not to monitor how these tasks are performed. “Hold on until the end and then accept the result you get – that’s your goal anyway. This is the best possible exercise!” estimates the psychologist and psychoanalyst.
I always imagine the worst: what is anticipatory anxiety?
Anticipatory anxiety (or anticipatory anxiety) corresponds to a general worry about the future: we always imagine the worst, we assume that events will inevitably go wrong, we see the future in black… This anxiety (pathological) can also be the origin of a need to always anticipate everything. An appointment with a mental health specialist (psychologist/psychiatrist) is required.
Thanks to Saverio Tomasella, doctor of psychology and psychoanalyst, author of Fusion relationships (ed. Eyrolles).
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