I can’t argue well – can you?
This helps me to deal with conflicts better
© KMPZZZ / Adobe Stock
I think harmony and peace are great – I can’t deal with arguments at all. And yet, of course, I am aware that I cannot avoid every argument. Actually, I don’t want that either, because I know that my opinion counts just as much as that of the person I’m talking to. That’s why I created a three-step plan for myself.
When an argument arises, I tend to do three things: I give in, so there’s no real argument at all Conflict arises. I sulk, my counterpart feels guilty and somehow everything is fine again. Or I withdraw, don’t talk to the other person at first and by the next morning at the latest, everyday life goes on and the argument is forgotten. Of course I get through life that way and could continue to pursue these strategies – but in the end the core of the dispute is almost never clarified. Today I try to deal with conflicts better with three rules. So far with success.
Three-step plan for “good” conflicts
1. I can take my distance, but a clarifying conversation is a must
I don’t have to immediately respond to a discussion that starts because I know that I will then react emotionally rather than rationally. But the most important rule for me now is: I am not allowed to withdraw for more than two hours. Of course there are exceptions, for example if I or the person I’m talking to have an important appointment. But in principle I either seek the conversation straight away when I feel ready, or do so after a maximum of two hours. During this time, in my experience, the emotions of me and the other person have calmed down so well that we can resolve the dispute sensibly with each other.
2. I think of situations in which I have successfully expressed my opinion
While I’m taking this time for myself, I’m trying to stop distracting myself. I often watched a movie or read a book straight away, wanting to escape from the reality in which I was confronted with an argument. Today I’m trying to mentally stay with myself, figure out what upsets me or makes me sad and what solutions would be possible for me. And very important: I recall past situations in which I was able to resolve a dispute and possibly assert my point of view, although this is of course not a fundamental fact in a conflict. But I think about how good the reconciliations so far have felt. And with this renewed strength and motivation, I enter into a clarifying conversation.
3. The conversation must be active and from multiple perspectives
The basic rules for my conflict discussion are probably new to no one:
- We speak actively, which means we don’t do anything on the side: no cooking, cleaning or whatever.
- We let ourselves be excused.
- All statements are formulated in the first person perspective.
- You shouldn’t throw accusations at yourself, but rather describe your own feelings (“I notice …”, “It affects me …”).
- We try to understand both sides, perhaps even find others, and look at the situation from multiple perspectives.
- If the issue at hand offers it, we write a pros and cons list together.
The latter in particular has helped me and my counterpart in one situation or another. I also often ask, “What do we need to resolve the conflict so that we’re both okay with it?” Then we can work it out together. Of course, that also has its limits – if we both want to assert our opinion and are only satisfied if the other person takes over, it’s difficult. But perhaps the solution can also be that both continue to represent their opinion, but also understand the other side through good arguments for and against?
I’ve definitely learned that it doesn’t always have to be a unanimous opinion that solves a dispute, but that just acceptance and understanding of the other person can lead to it. And when in doubt, when it feels like there’s no end in sight, I ask: “How important is this to us right now?” And then at the latest we usually realize that there are other things that are much more relevant – laugh at ourselves and find it much nicer when the argument is over.