Jealousy and infidelity don’t necessarily harm relationships. A couples therapist explains how they can also serve as an opportunity.
Almost every fourth man and more than every fourth woman have cheated on them. This was the result of a survey by the magazine “Playboy” (November issue). Relationship coach Aino Simon explains why monogamous relationships often lead to infidelities. In an interview with the news agency spot on news, the author of “Love rather unique” (Goldegg) reveals what jealousy and infidelity say about partnerships. And, conversely, what that means for couples.
“Jealousy is an occasion for self-reflection and communication”
“Jealousy cannot be avoided,” explains Simon. The reason: Everyone has experienced injuries in the course of life, “which remind us again and again that life is at risk and we have to be careful”. He who loves must also fear losing his love. Nevertheless, jealousy is not necessarily something negative, the couple therapist clarifies: “A healthy degree of jealousy can certainly stimulate us to remain vigilant and flexible. That we keep reflecting: How am I doing in my relationship? How is it the other? Are we doing everything right or could we try new behaviors? “
Jealousy can have several causes. On the one hand, a real one, for example the fear that the partner might find someone else more interesting. On the other hand, the cause can be in the past. Such thoughts could be, “I am afraid that you will leave me because I have been abandoned before and because I basically believe that I am not good enough.” In both cases, jealousy is “an occasion for self-reflection and communication,” Simon appeals.
“Those who are jealous need attention and encouragement from others. Those who accept jealousy as a normal part of life, seek support and search for change and inner maturity can use the transformative power of jealousy to fulfill their own dreams. ” However, anyone who tries to get rid of jealousy in oneself and in others, or who ignores it insensitively, “fails to recognize the true nature of jealousy and misses development opportunities.”
“Longing for vitality” drives people to deceive
Surveys show that jealousy and the fear of fraud are sometimes not that unfounded. “Many people experience that in the course of their life they have a desire for different partners. Since this is not provided for in our conception of love and sex, they do not dare to talk about it in their relationship,” says Simon, explaining the problem. Then there are two possibilities: “Either these people take refuge in secrecy right from the start. They cheat and act in a certain way, with a more or less guilty conscience. Or they try to suppress their needs at this point.”
Remaining loyal could succeed over a long period of time, “but often at the expense of liveliness”. In many cases, at some point “that one special moment” comes when an unreal and beguiling possibility presents itself, says the expert. “Suddenly there is a person who magically attracts you and a space opens that is seemingly detached from everyday reality. Nobody will find out, it seems. Many people who cheat in such ‘magical moments’ report, that at that moment they had the feeling that their life was going to pass them by. “
Often it is the longing for liveliness that drives people into deception. This gives them the experience of feeling alive and desirable all over again. “It’s like a lucky drug, and from my point of view it is absolutely understandable that people want to have this kind of experience.” However, Simon also points out: “It is a pity that they have not yet been able to use the options for a consensual ‘drug intoxication’ and thus cause a lot of pain if the matter is discovered at some point.”
An affair doesn’t have to mean the end of the relationship
What happens after an affair? Is he the coffin pin for a relationship? “It depends on the state of the relationship when the fraud is exposed,” says the expert. An already desolate relationship will not survive a betrayal, “and that’s a good thing”. Because not every relationship is worth saving.
“But there are also a lot of relationships that are actually well intact, that have a good basis and that do not have to fail due to fraud. If both parties have the inner attitude and willingness that they want to fight for the continued existence of the relationship, the cheating can be a real turning point that eventually does a lot of good in the relationship, “explains Simon. However, it is not as easy to do as I said. The processing of such an event is “a long process in which both sides recognize their own mistakes and have to learn new behaviors”.
One point is also important for Simon to emphasize: “A breakup doesn’t have to be a failure.” Ultimately, it is about “recognizing your own lifelong dreams – living according to your own values and connecting with people who want and feel similar”. Therefore it could be “the opposite of failure to break away from an unhealthy relationship and to open up to new connections”.