As a sex expert and couples therapist, Paula Lambert, 47, helps many women and men to deal with sexuality more openly and freely. Topics such as sexual freedom and love play a major role here – two things that are important and should be closely connected, especially in marriage.
Now Paula Lambert also works as a wedding speaker and has already had the honor of marrying a bridal couple. What is important in a wedding speech and how the wedding night should be dealt with, she reveals exclusively in the GALA interview.
Paula Lambert in the GALA interview
GALA: As a sex expert and couples therapist, you have made it your mission to help people in matters of sexuality and how to deal with each other – even as a wedding speaker you get to know the couples personally and get to know them well. How did you come to do this job as well?
Paula Lambert: I have the podcast “The Podcast of Failure”, which talks a lot about problems in relationships, and in the course of that I thought about what the other side looks like and what it would be like to face the opposite of myself occupy. So the start of a relationship together and not the end. That way I can give people very direct advice on what to look out for and how to really pull it off in their relationships. Then it got to the point where my former neighbor, national volleyball player Robert Kromm, asked me if I could marry his friends because they were fans. Since my dearest friend is a wedding speaker, she helped me a little with the preparation. But ultimately, as is my way, I strayed completely from my protocol at the wedding, and when the flower girls walked in, and then the bride and groom, I started crying right away. It was very emotional and because I deviated from my protocol, it was also very personal.
There are wedding speakers who do not establish a relationship with the people. It is important to me that I have a close bond with the bridal couple in this short moment, because it is a very trusting moment. After all, the couple will remember this day for a very long time.
How do you prepare for the couples and the wedding speeches?
The couple just described was actually my first, and first I met with the two for a preliminary talk and with my best friends to be able to get a more general picture of the couple. After that I thought about what analogy might fit to them as people and how they would like to lead their relationship. In the end, however, I actually gave a different speech than the one I had ready. But the core message has remained the same.
What do you look for in a wedding speech and what makes a good speech for you?
I think the wedding speech should be a guideline for everything that comes after. So it can’t be pure adulation. The speech should also give a few key points that the couple can use as a guide. That’s what always bothers me about registrars who say things they can’t mean because they don’t even know the people. In addition, a wedding speech should be funny, but also explain how to lead a partnership.
I think the wedding speech should be a guideline for everything that comes after.
What do couples need to know about free weddings and who are they particularly suitable for?
A free wedding ceremony is particularly suitable for all couples who want a really personal experience and want to turn this process into a dream that is otherwise a very bureaucratic act. And I have to say that people should also have some money to spare, because that costs money. Anyone who wants an experience and not just a procedure is well advised to have a free wedding.
How do you get to know the couples and how do you strike the right tone for the couples and their weddings?
I always have an idea of how it should go, but then I just react in the moment and let the mood and situation guide me a bit. Otherwise it quickly becomes stiff and impersonal. And that’s exactly what I want to avoid.
Marriage is a big step and means a different form of communion and intimacy. What advice do you give newlywed couples for their future together?
The most important thing is to recognize that the other person is an individual who also has flaws and weaknesses. The golden rule of any successful relationship is to be able to deal with the weaknesses and to do so with respect. It’s about accepting when the other person isn’t at the height of their potential. If that’s the case, everything else is actually very simple.
The most important thing is to recognize that the other person is an individual who also has flaws and weaknesses. The golden rule of any successful relationship is to be able to deal with the weaknesses and to do so with respect.
Are there parallels to your other professions that you automatically include, and do the couples have expectations of you in this regard?
Yes, well, whoever books me always expects that there will be a little excursion into the physical, but just in such a way that grandma and grandpa can also endure it. That makes sense, but the physical aspect is so important to people because it doesn’t appear in most wedding speeches. It is my feeling that all sex tips are hoped for in the preliminary talks, which I also like to give. That’s not a problem, but in the end the couples have to implement it themselves. The physical is only preserved in a marriage if the communication is right. That’s the big core, the tenet of my speeches or at live events: talk to each other, take yourself seriously, respect each other, and then nothing else can actually do any harm.
Talk to each other, take each other seriously, respect each other, and then nothing else can really do any harm.
The wedding night in particular is always a big topic – the night that everyone is talking about, and which often turns out differently than we probably imagine. How do you take the pressure off that one night?
I think the wedding night should be considered one in 1000 nights. Anyone who has ever got married knows that after an epic celebration, the desire for an extensive sexual act is really reduced. Yes, you are exhausted, totally groggy and completely overwhelmed by all the impressions of the evening. I’m a proponent of the post-wedding night. This means that people only really fuck when the evening is over – that is, the day after. I wouldn’t stress about it, just fall asleep really peaceful and happy and happy next to each other and then say, “Let’s do it again tomorrow like we did the nights before.” To be honest, I find all the pressure surrounding the wedding night a bit silly, because it used to have a very different symbolism. It is obsolete today.
Which fears and worries should be thrown directly overboard regarding the wedding night?
Let’s be honest, if there’s a lot of drinking at a wedding, then it’s hardly possible to experience the best night of your life afterwards. In this respect, I would make a direct decision to simply not have a wedding night. Then the couple can be happy if they still feel like it, but there is no pressure that something has to happen. A wedding party has to be such that you don’t feel like having sex afterwards.
Complete the sentence: “Love is…”
… to have understanding for the other.