Many parents are stepping up to denounce the limits of positive education, which they accuse of being lax. Is this theory that makes the headlines of publishing and parenting magazines really applicable in our daily lives as overwhelmed parents? We take stock.
Educating your child is not an easy task and nowadays, many people oppose benevolent education and authoritarian education. But first, what is it? It is an education based on empathy and respect for the child, focusing on the attitude of the parent towards the child. This way of educating is opposed to any form of violence and is based on simple principles such as “preserve the integrity of the child and consider him as a full human being, so that he exists as he is, giving him the right to feel emotions and to express them as he sees fit”*.
We also use the expression positive education and in recent years, a plethora of books have been published on the subject and there are countless self-proclaimed experts who accompany parents on the path to parenthood that is said to respect the needs of the child. However, some parents are fed up and feel guilty for not getting there and, more generally, are tired of these constant injunctions to benevolence. Yes, some are tired of this education where everything seems easy as long as you listen to your offspring. The front page of Les Maternelles magazine in June 2022 had made people cringe. “Fed up with benevolent education?”, it was written in large letters. A cover to take in the second degree but which had triggered the ire of childhood specialists. We do not play with education: a child needs to be respected and to grow up with emotional security and healthy references. However, it had the merit of bringing back to the center of the debate the very essence of this positive education which, in reality, is anything but lax, as confirmed by Gilles Lazimi, general practitioner, activist against violence against women and against ordinary educational violence.
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A protective education
First, let’s put things straight. Benevolent education is an education without violence that strives to be close to the needs of the child using protective education tools.
“It is above all an education that adapts to the capacities according to the age of the child and therefore to his development and his acquisitions.”, explains Gilles Lazimi. “A 7-year-old child throwing his food is not the same as a 1.5-year-old baby who discovers gravity.” At birth, 100 billion neurons connect and in the first two years, the connections develop. “All non-violent and benevolent interactions encourage the formation of these connections and on the contrary, all violence will interrupt them..”
A large number of studies show the benefits of this education on relational behaviors in both children and adults. At the cerebral level, a greater development of the structures of empathy takes place, namely the amygdala, hippocampus, prefrontal cortex, and frontal cortex. This positive impact contributes to the development of empathetic and less violent beings.
Read also: This very common punishment could soon be banned by the Council of Europe
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What borders between benevolence and laxity?
“Laxity is a form of malevolence, because letting things happen, saying yes to everything, is not helping your child grow up in a society that does not allow you to do whatever you want when you want.”, confides the militant doctor. “Frames are landmarks for children and are therefore fundamental. But being firm doesn’t mean being violent.” For him, benevolent education is anything but lax.
In case your child throws a tantrum, you disobey, set the limits. For example, if he asks you for another piece of cake when he has already taken one, you can concede to give a piece of your share and you say to him: “I’ll let you take this piece, but it’s the last.” Explain why things are as they are and not as he would like them to be. “Children hear and understand everything. Violence is useless, because it interrupts any attempt to understand the child”, insists the doctor. So try to turn a whim into learning.
“Children are not wild animals that need to be trained.”
So when you say no, it’s no. What if it doesn’t work?
“A child cannot be as good as a picture”, recalls Gilles Lazimi. “He has the right to cry, to get angry but he must understand and for that you must talk to him.” A child who cries because he does not feel well, he should not be left alone. But if you know it’s a whim and you can’t get over it, get on his level and calmly explain : “I see that you are very angry and that you don’t want to calm down so we will wait for it to stop.“Your child should calm down on their own and come back to you.
Another solution and try to suggest another interaction, to turn it towards another center of interest. Raising your voice, hitting… are unnecessary and can have a real impact on your child’s development. “Going off the road is normal, no one is perfect”, reassures the doctor. “Awareness is already a first step and allows us not to start again.” Parents tend to reproduce the pattern they themselves experienced. “This is why we must help them”, adds Gilles Lazimi. “And they too should not hesitate to ask for this help.”