Our loves leave an indelible mark on our journey: impossible to erase a past which, for a long time, was combined with the present. Thus, it happens that at times, we think of our ex while we are in a relationship. However, does this mean that we regret it bitterly? Not necessarily, according to psychologists. The process is even beneficial!
If in life “we know what we lose but never what we find” ; in love, this expression can be seen in another light. Indeed, according to psychologists and relationship coaches, “we know what we have lost so we value what we have gained”. Translation: our past relationship allows us to better understand and appreciate our current romantic relationship. thinking about your ex so isn’t as bad as it looks.
In general, we tend to think that in love, you have to draw a line under the past to be able to move forward, forget all your memories to see the future open up, erase your ex from your memory to be able to move on. ‘Before. The experts explain that you have to get out of this Manichean prism: thinking about your ex can do you the greatest good; yourself and your spouse. Thinking about your ex helps mourn the past relationship and to turn the page in the end. Indeed, according to psychologists, recalling the memories one shared with that lover of the past, good or bad, is a necessary process to move forward, to be open to discovering new suitors and to welcoming a new one. lover.
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Thinking about your ex: the sign that you have mourned the past relationship
It is in particular the fact of appreciating and celebrating the good times spent which is underlined by the specialists: it is a sign that one has fully accepted the breakup and we have moved forward. Contrary to what one might think, this does not mean that you still love your ex and/or that you want to win him back to relive this chapter. “Celebrating good memories is not only healthy, but a necessary aspect of moving forward”explains marriage and family therapist Becky Stuempfig, in the columns of the HuffPost.
On the contrary, if thinking of this former person whom we loved, only negative emotions occur (like anger), it’s because you haven’t fully digested the separation and you’re not quite able to start a new life. As a reminder, mourning occurs in several phases: shock, denial, anger, sadness, resignation, acceptance, etc. Schematically, this would therefore mean that we are still stuck at step 3… “Part of healthy grief is remembering both the good times and the bad times of previous relationships”, adds the therapist. It’s all about balance.
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Build yourself as a romantic partner
On the other hand, thinking about your ex is an essential tool for all subsequent romantic relationships, even when you are currently in a relationship. The process allows better know yourselfits way of working, its needs and his expectations in love. We dive back into our romantic past as time has passed; as a result, we adopt a new point of view on situations already experienced: we apprehend things with hindsight, we are more objective as to the facts, we can finally fully learn from the lessons of this past and avoid repeating the same mistakes. who hurt us.
Thinking about your ex while you’re in a relationship allows you to be a better life partner and cultivate a deeper romantic relationship with your current darling. We know where we (re) come from, so we know what we have and where we are going.
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Thinking about your ex while you’re in a relationship: not infidelity
As mentioned earlier, thinking about your ex while you are in a relationship does not necessarily mean that you have trouble forgetting him, that we are eaten up with regret or that we want him back! This mechanism is not not synonymous with infidelity. No need to feel guilty if you are concerned. It is necessary to leave to the memory its status of memory and not to sanctify it: “Remember, a memory is just a memory. It’s a reminder of your past. We should be grateful for the good memories we have, acknowledge them, and then move on, focus, and be grateful for what is happening in the present”explains psychologist Rachel Needle to our colleagues at HuffPost.
Of course, between the fact of think about your ex every day and thinking about your ex from time to time: the difference is big. Everything also depends on how you think about it: if you tend to embellish this past which was not so idyllic, the process is not beneficial. We do not have the necessary foresight to draw useful lessons from it.
Open-minded and in love with life, Emilie likes to decipher the new phenomena that shape society and relationships today. Her passion for the human being motivates her to write…