In her new book "A Sexuality to Yourself", the feminist obstetrician-gynecologist Laura Berlingo campaigns for a sexuality freed from norms and injunctions. The opportunity for her to break these 5 preconceived ideas about sex.
Sex = penetration
This phallocentric and heterocentric view of sexual intercourse is increasingly called into question. “When we say sex = penetration, we think of the penetration of a penis into a vagina, and further than that, the penetration of a penis into a vagina until ejaculation. To imagine that, it is really to have a very heterosexual vision of the relationship, but also reproductive one, because ejaculation is used for fertilization and to have children. It is a vision that exists of sexuality, there are people who do that and who are very happy about it. But there are also plenty of other ways to have sex ”, explains Laura Berlingo. Fully reconsidering the very idea of intercourse makes it possible to explore other avenues than those of foreplay-penetration-ejaculation. "This also allows the whole body to be brought into play, including organs which have been invisible for a very long time, such as the clitoris, the vulva and the prostate".
Read also: 10 pleasurable ideas to make love without penetration
Not reaching orgasm means intercourse is unsatisfactory
“I find it a bit of a shame to think that. What is sex for? It is used to have fun. Does pleasuring yourself have to go to orgasm? There are plenty of ways to enjoy life. There are plenty of ways to come in sex, outside of sex … Does it really have to contain an orgasm, with everything you put in the force of an orgasm, which is still a vector great pressure and great anxiety too? Maybe we could say to ourselves that sex is just there to have fun, if we want to, and then moreover, that it is not mandatory to have sex to enjoy elsewhere. "
All orgasms are clitoral
In recent years, the clitoris, this organ entirely dedicated to pleasure with 8,000 nerve endings, has finally taken the place it deserves in sex education, to the point of becoming a pop symbol. But be careful not to give in to the “all clitoral” drift, recalls the gynecologist. “Indeed, the clitoris is an organ of pleasure, and we have made it much visible in recent years, we realized that it was not just a small external acorn, but that there was all an internal part, so when there is vaginal penetration, the clitoris is also stimulated and therefore participates in orgasm ”, she develops. And to wonder: “Do we really want to center sexuality on the clitoris as we formerly centered on the vagina, or in other people on the penis? " She calls for freeing oneself from norms and "opening up the possibilities", diversifying the ways of having sex, and not making the clitoris "the alpha and omega of all sexuality" either.
The frequency of intercourse is the barometer of the couple
“It's a bit old-fashioned view to say that having regular sex means that a couple is 'in good health'. I think that above all, a couple is two people who decide to do things together. These things can be going to the movies, eating, or growing old together, having children … Everyone decides what he wants with his or her partner. Put the barometer of sexuality as if it were the thing to achieve, and if we do not reach it we are not a happy couple: I think we have to dissociate these two concepts. On the one hand, the couple, and on the other, sexuality. " Thus, sexuality is not always what unites the couple, who can share other centers of interest, more essential in their eyes.
Consent is saying yes
The mutual consent of partners is essential for sex to go well and be respectful of each other. The no is no. But the yes, is it always yes? Where is the limit to sexual consent? For Laura Berlingo, you have to be very careful with consent, and always think of it through the prism of relations of domination. “We can end up saying yes out of love, or because there are economic, financial, symbolic constraints, age constraints, constraints which in fact escape real consent. So I say, be careful with this consent policy, we can end up saying yes, while we think no. "
A sexuality to oneself, Freed from norms (ed. Les arènes), by Laura Berlingo