The question that changed (my) life: “What title would your life have right now?”
As a journalist, I learned how important headlines are. They condense stories, exaggerate them, and direct the eye in a certain direction. They are striking in the best sense of the word. I noticed this in an almost physical way when I went to coaching myself many years ago because I often reached my limits as a manager. I should describe how I feel when I’m deployed at work and give this role a title. I called it “The Locomotive” because I demanded full steam from myself and had the idea that I had to pull others along with me. The more I immersed myself in the locomotive image with a hot boiler, soot and lots of wagons hanging on it, the more unpleasant it felt. I gave myself the title; no one had said that a manager had to be like that. And so my coach invited me to find a new title that sounded less strenuous. I wrote a whole list of titles until I landed on “The Back Stronger”. The difference: As a locomotive, I was always at the forefront and had to set a lot in motion; as a supporter, I was in the background and supported the work of my team. From then on, this new title helped me to lean back more in my everyday work and to let others come along. I would even say that he helped me to develop more and more towards coaching and to step out of the journalistic role of spokesman.
The problem with your own self-image
Today I like to use this tool with the headings myself – especially when a client has already discussed her situation at length, but it is not clear where her actual pain point lies. That’s how it was with Anne. She worked in the family business, but since the birth of her daughter she had the feeling that her life was going in the wrong direction. Her husband had a career in the company, and she had previously used her top-class management studies primarily to relieve her father of the accounting work. “I actually wanted to change the company a lot, but my father isn’t ready for it.”
In her marriage and in the family business, she strived above all for cohesion and harmony. Anne was proud of how well everyone got along, but at the same time she felt increasingly listless and insignificant. In coaching, she wanted to develop her own professional project without making herself uncomfortable for anyone around her. Under these circumstances, no drive emerged in her. To confront her with this, I asked her to come up with a headline for her situation. The first thing that came to her mind: “Family is everything.” “Then why are you here?” I asked. “Okay, maybe ‘Mother Blues’ is a better fit,” she said. “What kind of movie would you expect if you read this title at a movie theater?” – “Such a whiny story about a woman who forgets who she is between cooking and daycare.” Anne collapsed. The sad title of the film caused her to briefly look at her life as a spectator. She didn’t like the movie content she was imagining. But it was precisely this distance that made her want to change – the desire to write a different script for herself.
We wrote down on the whiteboard what she enjoys and what skills she would like to use more: setting up, coordinating, advising. From this she developed a business idea. This idea took more shape from session to session, so that in the end there was nothing left to do but start. Anne had the network, the money and the time for the project: three or four hours every day would be enough to start with. All that was missing was the courage to go out all alone. Since she had talked a lot about how important it was for her to be a role model for her daughter, I had an idea. “Imagine,” I said, “your daughter having to give a eulogy for you at some point. What would she say about you?” Anne’s answer: “My mother was independent and courageous. She knew who she was and was able to assert herself.”
In this way, Anne had created a role model for herself that she could now emulate. She wasn’t that woman yet, but she wanted to become one.
Little exercise
Imagine a film is being made about your role in friendships (or, alternatively, in your family). What title would the film have? Write down your ideas, choose the most relevant one and then ask yourself: Do I want to continue with this title role – or think of a new one?