Our author sometimes wishes to be far away from her job, husband and family. Just get out, be alone, or go on vacation in old life. Is this longing normal? She asked an expert and received surprising answers.
Yes, I admit it: I sometimes yearn for my old life. Then I dream of red wine, long nights, surprising kisses and big plans for the future that people really believed in with fervor. These are the moments when I think nostalgically of our flat parties, meditate back on soaked festival mattresses. The moments when I contact old school friends on Facebook and just book a single room in the hotel on Helgoland just to make me feel at ease (and then quickly cancel it free of charge).
Burnout? Overwhelmed? Regretting motherhood?
My little emergency exit is to dream of earlier when my pear almost bursts with life. Meetings, children, friends, e-mails, a reminder in the mailbox and a dispute with the teenage daughter about it and BAM! I'm out. I am out of this here and now that everyone wants so much. Sometimes I don't. And that worries me a lot. Is it burnout yet? Overwhelmed? Am I a Regretting Motherhood candidate just because there are those minutes when I want to rewind my life to feel a feeling of limitless freedom?
I decide to ask an expert on parenting. Mathias Voelchert is the founder of the family workshop "familylab", trains parents, holds seminars and writes very clever books for families. And luckily he's not a bit shocked by my escape fantasies. "Well, those are very life-affirming thoughts," he says with a laugh and he has already taken my mother's heart by storm.
30 percent less do the same
"I think the impulse to book a single room on an offshore island is great!" He says. "This is not selfish, but even preserves relationships." He doesn't find it a bit absurd that I sometimes wish to be far away or even childless. "It's a very well-known phenomenon in relationships," he reassures me, "especially if you have children. Because being a mother or father is immovable. It can take your breath away." Then he explains to me where my longing comes from: "If you have thoughts of escape, it is a clear sign that you have exceeded your own limits." I believe him well and gladly. But isn't that a part of having children? You always put yourself a little behind. Or not? "Everyone tries to be good parents," says Mathias Voelchert. "But 30 percent less care usually does the same. And above all, that would be good for everyone, because relaxed parents have relaxed children."
Just read a book again
The expert's advice for acute deep-sea island and single fantasies: "You can frustrate your children to relax yourself. It is ok to simply read a book yourself and therefore have no time for the children. It is also ok to book a single room on Helgoland and it is essential to leave the house as a couple for two. Anything that is good is allowed, "he says. In general, many parents are too caring for their children. "They don't need as much of us as we think," he is sure. "But what they need is the feeling that you can relax in the family and they need role models who can distinguish themselves well."
Pssst, I'm reading
After talking to Mathias Voelchert, I plan to try relaxing tonight, just sit in the middle of chaos and read a book, come what may. Maybe afterwards I will book a single room on Helgoland. Only I won't cancel it this time. And I do all of this in the interests of the common good. Because relaxed parents have relaxed children. And nobody has to be ashamed of escape fantasies. Because they have nothing to do with a lack of love.
Mathias Voelchert (1953) is the founder and director of familylab.de – the family workshop in Germany. He is a business economist, trainer, practical supervisor, coach with systemic training and various advanced training, author and self-employed entrepreneur since 1983. Mathias Voelchert advises couples, families, schools and entrepreneurs / companies on the topic of equality and successful relationships. He is the father of two grown children.
His latest book: Loving parental guidance
