The key to harmonious partnership? Psychologist Wieland Stolzenburg explains why love languages are so important for relationships.
Some partnerships just seem to be dead. Although both sides love each other and feel that they belong to each other, misunderstandings and arguments constantly arise. This may be due to the fact that people communicate in different “love languages” – and thus always talk at cross purposes.
However, the “love languages” are not languages in the literal sense, but different ways of expressing and receiving love. The theory comes from the American psychologist Gary Chapman. According to him, there are five basic “Love Languages”:
Words of Appreciation: The person uses loving words, compliments, and praise to express their love and appreciation – these don’t always have to be big displays of love, but sometimes a “thank you for listening to me”.
Time for two: For some people it is particularly important to consciously spend time together with their partner. This includes rituals such as breakfast together, excursions or shared hobbies.
Gifts and attention: People who speak this love language value material or symbolic gifts as an expression of love. And they don’t always have to be expensive, small everyday gifts such as a few flowers or an “I had to think of you and bought this” part are often enough.
Helpfulness: “Let me do it” is a phrase that people with this love language like to hear – whether it’s carrying the groceries, taking out the garbage or fixing the washing machine.
Physical closeness: Touching and tenderness are part of most relationships. For some people, physical contact is even more important. In everyday life, they often look for small touches with their partner.
In an interview with the news agency spot on news, relationship psychologist Wieland Stolzenburg explains why it can help to know your own “love language” and how to deal with it when your partner speaks a different love language.
US couples counselor Gary Chapman has named five love languages: praise and appreciation, time together, gifts and attention, helpfulness and physical contact. How can it help to know your own “love language” and that of your partner?
Wieland Stolzenburg: Knowing your own “love language” and that of your partner can help us on various levels. It allows us to better understand ourselves and our partner. By knowing when they feel loved, we can cater to our partner’s preferences and fill their “love tank” with the kind of affection most important to them. When we feel valued and loved, it strengthens mutual trust and connectedness in the relationship. It also shows that we take the other person and their needs seriously and care about their well-being.
Additionally, knowing each other’s love languages can reduce conflict and frustration. These often arise from unmet needs. If both partners know each other’s “love language”, they can consciously take into account the language of love of the other in challenging relationship situations. As a result, the partner feels (again more) seen, understood and loved. Ideally, this happens mutually, which can ultimately contribute to a harmonious and fulfilling partnership.
How do you find out which “Love Language” is closest to you?
Stolzenburg: The fastest way to find out your own language of love is a love language test. This gives you valuable information about which of the five “Love Languages” is your own – with personal tips for your own relationship life.
Can you also feel at home in several love languages?
Stolzenburg: It’s common for us to have a dominant love language. However, we can also feel at home in several love languages. For example, we can feel most loved when our partner spends a lot of time with us. At the same time, physical affection or words of appreciation can make us feel valued and loved.
Each of us has individual needs and preferences that can be met through different love languages. Therefore, it is possible that we have multiple love languages.
Do we always “speak” the love language that we prefer to “hear”?
Stolzenburg: We often intuitively use our own preferred love language to express love. For example, if someone has praise and appreciation as their primary love language, they are likely to use praise to other people to show affection.
How do you deal with it when your partner speaks a different “love language” than we do?
Stolzenburg: If your partner speaks a different love language than we do, an open exchange about it is helpful. It is important to understand and acknowledge the partner’s needs, preferences and feelings regarding the languages of loved ones. If both try to learn their partner’s “love language” and integrate it into everyday life, this will enrich the partnership. It’s about exchanging ideas, showing interest in your partner, being willing to compromise and experimenting with ease and curiosity in order to learn together.
Are “Love Languages” also important in friendships or family relationships?
Stolzenburg: Love languages do not only play a role in romantic partnerships. Affection, appreciation and love are basic human needs that are present in every human relationship. Knowing the love language of close friends or family members can be helpful as it can improve and strengthen that relationship as well.
For example, by understanding the individual needs and preferences of others, we can better respond to them and give them what they need to feel loved and valued. The goal should be to promote the well-being of others and not just to achieve our own goals. Of course, only if we don’t give up on ourselves.