It is often said: love is give and take. But sometimes you come across a person who wants to receive everything, without offering anything in return. A toxic behavior which bears the name of “firedooring”, and which symbolizes absolute selfishness in a couple.
“Love more than love itself, give without expecting anything in return“, sang Hélène Segara in the musical Notre-Dame de Paris. Giving everything for the other seems almost obvious when you are in love. But we must not forget that love is also sharing, and that if the person opposite is not able to make the slightest gesture in our favor, it is not a fulfilling relationship.It is a one-sided relationship, which often involves a notion of power and dependence Moreover, this phenomenon has a name: “firedooring.” A new Anglicism to be added to the little lexicon of the evils of love.
What is firedooring?
Behind the expression “firedooring”, we find the English word “fire door”, that is to say the fire door. The latter allows a hermetic blockage to the smoke, and it opens only in one direction, whatever the efforts. Do you see the concept? Well, firedooring is exactly that. Efforts that only work in one direction: yours, generally. And the impression of finding yourself facing a wall when you ask the other to put a little bit of their own.
How do you know if you are a victim of firedooring?
This kind of attitude can start long before the start of a relationship, when you are still in the middle of a date. During a date, he is there, very present, but despite everything a little distant. Except when it comes to getting you to bed, of course. Meanwhile ? He is unreachable, or almost. Even when you see him online on social networks or on Whatsapp, he doesn’t bother to reply to your messages, and leaves you “seen” regularly. Anyway, it looks like he doesn’t care, but the moment you start to walk away, he’s going to come back full speed, promise you that he’s going to change, give you new hope.
This is the whole difference between ghosting and firedooring. On the one hand, your interlocutor plays dead and will never give any news. On the other hand, he rekindles the embers, often because he has nothing better to do. This attitude becomes all the more insidious when it is part of a romantic relationship. Yes, even your guy or your girl can be a fan of firedooring. Again, you should pretty quickly find that the behavior of the person around you is not up to yours. Whether it’s because she’s ordering dinner without asking you if you’re feeling peckish, or because she “forgets” to tell you that she had planned to go to a party to which you are not invited. .e.
Where does this behavior come from?
Some people compare firedooring enthusiasts to narcissistic perverts, but that’s not really the case. Here, we could rather speak of a parasite who takes advantage of the kindness of the other … And of his lack of reaction to his attitude. Of course, it’s out of the question to consider it your fault if you are the victim of this kind of behavior. However, the more the egoist takes his ease, the more he will allow himself to abuse your benevolence. This is also the reason why the followers of this practice turn to people who have a fairly calm, shy, even timid personality: people who will not necessarily dare to put them up against the wall, in short.
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How to react to firedooring?
Unlike many attitudes that can improve over time, firedooring is not something that will change. If your crush behaves this way with you, it’s because he or she doesn’t think you are worth their attention or their generosity. In short, you are facing a person who feels superior to you and who has everything to gain from taking advantage of your kindness and your benevolence.
The only solution ? Take flight, before the firedooring turns into gaslighting, a manipulation technique through which your partner will try to pass you off as the bad guy. To get out of this, it is essential to realize that you are facing a selfish person, who does not deserve your attention (or all your little attentions). Because one-sided relationships always go straight into the wall.
Laetitia Reboulleau
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