In relationships, sex often falls by the wayside after a while. With these tips, there is no longer dead pants in bed.
It’s one of the nicest things in the world. Nonetheless, some in long-term relationships eventually lose their desire for sex. A lull in bed can become a problem between partners. The end of the relationship is far from being sealed. Because good sex has to be learned, says Dania Schiftan, psychotherapist and clinical sexologist, in an interview with the news agency spot on news. In her new book “Keep It Coming” (Piper), the author explains, among other things, how couples have good sex.
First of all, it should be noted that every person defines good sex differently. “Good sex is when both of you want it and can enjoy it. A long, pleasurable, sexual couple relationship works best when both are interested in and enjoy what is happening,” she explains. The decisive factor is that the return is higher than the expense “if you put it economically”. “That should be the same for both, because it is often the case that one is more fun than the other and one partner withdraws,” reports Schiftan.
Many couples have significantly less sex after several years of relationship than at the beginning. Why is that?
Dania Schiftan: There are even figures on this: the first six years, sex in relationships decreases. The number levels off in the seventh year and stays that way for the next 20 to 30 years. Many couples have good sex at the beginning of their relationship because the emotions are so strong. Emotions act like a catalyst and spill over to gender.
Over time – if you get annoyed with each other or get used to it – you pay more attention to what you really feel during sex. Then you ask: does this really help me? Many notice that they mainly live “from above to below”. You can only “open up” below when there is a lot of emotional intensity. Classically, women in particular experience that they find their partner sexually attractive when they feel emotionally fulfilled. The trick is: the more you want to feel something yourself, the more you are interested in sexuality. One has to deal with the question of why one has sex: because of emotions or because of the sensation in sex.
What exactly is “little sex”? Once a week, once a month – can this be generalized?
Schiftan: I can’t answer that with a number. It’s about: Is sex personal enough for me or not, do I follow my impulses? There are couples who have had sex once a week over the years and are happy with it. For others, once a month is enough. Often times, couples settle in at once a week or once every two weeks.
How should you deal with it when you feel like it, but your partner doesn’t?
Schiftan: The classic is: the man has lust, the woman less. The first thing to do is to answer the questions: What is she not in the mood for? Perhaps she does not have a great need in general or, above all, does not feel like what happens in bed, because sex tends to rob her of sleep and time rather than satisfying her. Some women also generally have difficulty feeling a lot about sex. You can work on that. Or, or, or …
As a partner, it is important to be understanding. Because the more one wants, the more the other is at a distance. But be careful: if you only have understanding, the person who is not in the mood sometimes goes the easy way and nothing changes. The one who wants sex is not alone the bad guy and has to learn to be considerate. Rather, the partner who does not want to have sex has to face the unpleasant fact that he is not allowed to “flee”.
How can you get your partner to want to have sex again? And the other way around: How does someone who does not feel like having sex manage to be interested in it again?
Schiftan: It depends on what the partner should feel like doing. The more easily someone is excitable, the more they want sex. It’s like jogging. At first I might find it exhausting and get sore muscles. But the more regularly and often I do this – in different ways, at different speeds, at different times – the more I feel how my body benefits and I look forward to it. At some point you can no longer be taken out. And the more independent I become from each other, the more joy I have from going jogging with someone.
How do couples manage to get out of a sex lull together?
Schiftan: A couple should understand that sexuality needs to be learned and is not just what it is. Sex is absolutely changeable and not something that is good or bad. The more couples understand this and are ready to face it and view it as a training ground, the greater the chances of having positive experiences and getting to know each other again.
How do you explain to your partner what you want or what is missing in bed without hurting him?
Schiftan: Your own wishes shouldn’t hurt. The partner should have an interest in knowing the other’s desires. Many are not afraid to say how they like their food or what is important to them in the household. You shouldn’t be silent when it comes to sex either.
You can’t know what the other wants. Logically, one can and should say this to the other. But with clear rules: Talking about yourself and your needs, what you like and what you want. You shouldn’t blame or blame your partner. It is important to have specific statements about what you want.
They say sex is a matter of practice. What exactly do you mean by that? Can you really train good sex?
Schiftan: Yes, absolutely. In the course of life we have trained everything: walking, speaking or making music. Everything is learned. So why assume that gender is not? So far, my patients have all been able to confirm that there were different steps in development. Understanding this alone helps to get the motivation to change or expand something. First of all, you should find out for yourself where you can feel more or less. And then again and again starting from what you can already do, sometimes sliding more to the left or right, sometimes faster, sometimes slower – and that in a variety of repetitions.