Benita, 47, hasn't slept with her partner for a long time – because he doesn't want to. Can you come to terms with it?
At the very beginning, shortly after we got together, we slept together once or twice a week. To be honest, it wasn't particularly passionate then either. I thought it had to do with me. I thought he didn't find my body attractive enough. But Jörn said he liked me so much and that I should stop talking about women. But soon we were hardly sleeping together anymore. To be very clear: sex wasn't what connected us.
A man to fuck
Jörn often had problems getting an erection. I can only explain this with his previous drug use and his alcohol consumption, which is still rampant today. When men have trouble keeping their erections, they often don't even try. Because they are too scared that it will happen again. I was understanding and kept telling him: Don't worry, darling, let's buy Viagra. Or we try something different. Or we go to the therapist. But he didn't want any of that. In truth, he didn't want to talk about it at all and got aggressive when I got on the subject. He was simply not ready to work on it – neither with therapy nor with sexual enhancers. He just wanted to bury the subject of sex. Put it aside. That was what disappointed me so much. When I threatened to break up, he suggested I could look elsewhere for sex. But he would always love me anyway, I shouldn't forget that.
I actually broke up because it was too frustrating for me at some point. Then I got to know the opposite of Jörn on an online erotic portal: a man to fuck with, but with whom I couldn't do anything else. He fell asleep in the cinema or laughed in the wrong place. We could never talk about films. I missed Jörn.
But I didn't want a sexless relationship either. But on lonely winter evenings on the sofa I realized that I would like to have Jörn next to me. I finally wrote him that too. He replied that he felt the same way. It was all very easy, we became a couple again. I quit my apartment shortly afterwards and moved in with him. It was clear to me that I no longer needed to talk to him about the sex issue. Everything was said there. So our relationship became more like very close friends: we cuddle on the sofa in the evening, we cook together, go to the theater, talk about everything.
Platonic partnership
Sometimes I feel sad because I think we're too young for a platonic partnership. I had two affairs I didn't tell Jörn about out of consideration. I wasn't in love with anyone. On the other hand, I travel a lot in my job anyway and have realized that I need rest at home. When it comes to sexual needs, my vibrating little friend is enough for me, and sometimes I even find it pleasant that no man is hanging on him to make me stressful.
Jörn is the best man there can be for me. The exclusion of sexuality in a relationship affects a lot more couples than you might think. I know a lot of women who say: I would like to give up our sex. Now and then they do it for the sake of their husband, but actually they are only together for convenience. I find our honest arrangement much more pleasant. Even if the topic will accompany me and I always have to find a way.
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