Oskar Holzberg: The couple as a problem

Oskar Holzberg
The couple as a problem

In short: We are full of contradictions, and they intensify as a couple.

And now in more detail: Terry Real is an experienced couples therapist who is very well recognized in the USA. He knows what he is writing. A couple in love is a problem in itself. Existential, biological, cultural, psychological. And long before it develops its own problems.

Existential: In human love, two imperfect beings meet – which tends to increase the imperfection. We humans are not the crown of creation, but rather half-finished construction sites of evolution. We are part of nature, but experience ourselves as if we are separate from it, full of contradictions and fears and have no idea what our place in the universe is.

When we follow our need for connection – to be in love like nothing good – we think we can leave our loneliness and our unfulfilled longings behind us. But we don’t. It is part of our humanity to only be able to feel completely at ease and fulfilled in special moments. But we often blame our romantic partners for our insoluble existential needs.

Biological: A couple is always at risk from sexual desire. Because we are neither clearly monogamous nor polygamous. We always feel sexual needs that are directed towards third parties, or we live them out. This is the problem that every couple has to solve in their own way. Culturally: Family and community values ​​have lost their meaning for us today. We understand and experience ourselves as independent individuals. But two people who are completely focused on their own needs and desires inevitably come into conflict. You have to negotiate everything. Your pursuit of self-realization becomes competition.

And psychologically? We learn love as children. Mostly with our parents. They either fail at it, so that we are full of fears as soon as we love. Or they give us their self-sacrificing, selfless love, which we then expect in vain from our partners. Besides, as children we were small, ignorant and clumsy. We have often been the problem and don’t want to be that again. This is why shame and guilt keep us from being vulnerable.

To avoid feeling small, we don’t show our feelings as openly as we need to for connection in our romantic relationship. Or we reject our feelings of inferiority altogether and think we are so great that our romantic relationship turns into a narcissistic limbo. Additionally …

Why problems are an opportunity

Enough! Couples are problems! But the good news is that we are not idiots and failures just because we find love difficult and have couple problems. A couple is a problem. And just because that is the case, there is this tremendous power, love, to overcome these obstacles. To say “yes” to the difficulties, the mutual alienation and the painful disappointments.

Only through our “problems”, through a complex process of self-knowledge, do we learn to overcome our unconscious expectations and truly accept our partners. We can love because couples are problems. We love ourselves when we accept the problems we have.

Bridget