Tanja’s husband is autistic. He needs structure, order, rituals – but he has a hard time with feelings.
When I lost our baby to a miscarriage in the 29th week and called my husband crying bitterly, his reaction was so weird that it took me a long time to recover: He sent me a joke video! A silly mobile phone movie that should cheer me up. Instead of going home straight away, hugging me and grieving with me.
Loving someone with autism means accepting moments when you feel very lonely. How could it be that I had to explain such a thing to him? If he doesn’t buckle up now that his reaction was unacceptable, I’ll break up, I thought at first. After all, he had offended me several times and I already had the feeling that something fundamental was wrong with him. Instead, I spoke to our seven year old son’s therapist about the situation. He is autistic in early childhood and his therapist advised us that my husband should also be tested.
Diagnosis is often a relief
The result was clear: Florian is on the autism spectrum and has highly functional autism. He’s been able to grasp intellectually for a long time that he has an empathy problem. He felt different, which is why he often felt bad. For a while we thought about burnout or depression. He couldn’t get out of bed, his tics became more and more extreme, everything made him unhappy. We had to go back and see if we had left the stove, washing machine, or light on. It is a relief for both of us to finally have a word about his limitations.
“How do you manage all of this!” People often say to me. But it’s not a burden for me because I like my life the way it is. After all, it’s a subject that I’ve been lugging around with me for a long time, like an invisible magnet. This is certainly one of my strengths: I enjoy looking after others. It has always been like this. My childhood was extremely turbulent, my parents separated at an early age and fought over us children all my life. Maybe that’s why I want to give others support. Also in my job: I am a trained nurse and now work as a nursing advisor. When I was 19, during the social year, I worked in an autistic group. And fell in love with one shortly afterwards. Nothing came of us, also because his mother said at the time: “You can’t have a relationship with an autistic person!” Today I know: Yes, you can, only differently.
The environment makes the difference
Florian is open about his diagnosis. His boss comes towards him. He is no longer confronted with surprising customer contacts and no longer has to accept anonymous phone calls. He now has an individual office with less charm. His job is safe, 40 percent of whom are severely disabled.
His colleagues make fun of it that Florian’s workplace looks like nobody is working there. But that doesn’t bother him. He knows about his sense of order, which is perfectionist for others. Florian also cleans up after me at home. There is no argument about it. Maybe I am more patient than others? But I’ve just learned how sensitive he can be.
My husband doesn’t like anything unpredictable, including unannounced visits. It should be possible to plan situations as much as possible. When we are on vacation, we are actually always on the North Sea or the Baltic Sea. That doesn’t bother me, well-known places convey a feeling of security. I always missed them in my childhood.
An (almost) normal relationship
When we met in 2010, we both worked in a medical supply store, he in logistics and I as a clerk. One day he sent me a contact request via “Facebook”. Even though we saw each other during the day, he only flirted with me in writing. I found this awkwardness cute. It sparked for me on the first date. I had to smile about his tools, computer stuff and CDs, sorted by genre and alphabet. He reminds me of the protagonist from the film “Pear Cake and Lavender”, who arranges the dishes according to color and size. A lovable eccentric.
With him everything has its place and its order, this also applies to our love life. It’s not that we don’t have sex, maybe we even have more than other couples after ten years, because it has always been a predictable habit with us and not dependent on spontaneity. I like rituals in marriage, I can’t understand the hunt for new things. It is typical for people with autism to remember things that are taught to them. There is something childlike and affectionate about it. My husband listens to me – it’s one of his most adorable qualities! I say something and he knows it forever.
Since the thing with the joke video, he has often asked me whether he is emotionally disconnected or has understood everything. What matters to me is that he makes an effort. And when I ask him something, even if it is a little thing like mowing the lawn, I can be sure that he will do it too. I can always rely on him.
Autism: A Short Crash Course
Instead of dividing the developmental disorder into subtypes, as in the past, one speaks more of the autism spectrum and flowing transitions: In early childhood autism there is always a reduced language development, often the intelligence is also lower. With highly functional autism, neither is affected. The term Asperger’s Syndrome for this form is now often avoided because the role of the eponym, the pediatrician Hans Asperger, was controversial during the Nazi era. There are also atypical forms of autism with a poorly defined diagnosis.
Can such a love work? Psychologist Barbara Rittmann on relationships with people with autism.
Lately “Asperger’s” seems like a fashion diagnosis. It feels like more and more women are complaining about their partners who allegedly have a problem feeling empathy..
Barbara Rittmann: We actually encounter people with highly functional autism quite often in everyday life. Many sufferers feel “somehow different”, but do not know exactly why.
When do people find themselves on the autism spectrum?
The heart of autism is a social interaction disorder. That said, eye contact, interest in others, and empathy are things that people with autism find difficult. They are often more interested in objects, processes, electronic devices, and children like flashing toys. Even highly functional autistic people who cope with everyday life largely on their own very often have very special interests.
How can you partner with such a person?
Of course you need a certain tolerance. But an autistic partner can score in other areas. Men with autism usually seek steadfast partnerships. Values like loyalty and reliability are important to them, they cultivate a certain conservatism. The men are usually highly committed when it comes to their own families, traditionally and responsibly. These are properties that provide support.
But then you have to make compromises elsewhere.
Choosing a partner is basically voluntary. The initially limited interest in the feelings of the partner can gently and lovingly demand a woman, because people on the spectrum are ready to work on themselves. For example, if you tell them that you want to be asked in the evening: “How was your day?”, This can definitely become a working ritual.
Looks a bit rehearsed. So do I have to forego romance with an autistic partner?
Well, it’s a different kind of romance, I guess. Conservative values are often lived in these partnerships. There is a clear distribution of roles, but you can rely on each other. For people in the spectrum, it is important that the other partner explains and explains his feelings and thoughts in detail – because he wants to function. In autism self-help groups, by the way, a lot of warmth and helpfulness can be observed.
Can we “normal people” also learn something from autistic people?
Anyone who has people on the autistic spectrum in their everyday life appreciates their specialty and knows that they enrich our lives precisely because of their difference. Many people with highly functional autism are left alone, suffering greatly from loneliness. It would be nice if our society would bring into its midst those who appear somewhat different to us from others.
Barbara Rittmann is a psychotherapist and director of the Hamburg Autism Institute, an outpatient therapy center for children and adults.