How does polyamory work and what opportunities, but also risks, does the relationship form offer? Relationship coach Aino Simon explains.
Not everyone believes in the only true love. People can feel feelings for several people and live them out. The concept of polyamory stands for just that. “Polyamory is an art term from the word poly, Greek for a lot, and amora, which means love in Latin,” explains relationship coach Aino Simon in an interview with the news agency spot on news. In her book “Love rather unique” (Goldegg) the author reports on the perspectives in love. In an interview, she explains how polyamory works and what opportunities, but also risks, it offers.
In “Love rather unique” you introduce other models in addition to monogamous relationships, such as polyamorous concepts. What are the advantages of polyamory and who is it for?
Aino Simon: In polyamorous relationships there are usually several loves next to each other. The partners live this out too. How this happens in practice varies. There are polyamorous couples who have a main relationship with each other and also maintain secondary or secondary relationships. There are relationship constellations in which no main pair can be identified. The most important basis for most polyamores is that all parties involved are aware of all existing relationships and work together to achieve mutual agreement. This means that it takes a lot of time for discussions, empathy, and conflict resolution. In this way, those involved ensure that they see and observe everyone’s wishes and limits.
The advantage for many polyamorous people is that they are free from monogamous restrictions. This makes it easier for you to show your wishes and find individually suitable solutions in the context of the relationship. The development of one’s own sexual identity also receives more impulses and more freedom in such a framework. All in all, polyamores have to work harder to develop their emotional maturity and relationship skills. Non-monogamous relationships are only lasting when those involved resolve interpersonal problems amicably. Some tend to overlook this particular requirement, especially at the beginning. Loving several people also means bearing more responsibility and having to find more energy for love work.
For many people, polyamory is particularly interesting as an exciting perspective from which monogamous relationships can also benefit. Because even within monogamous relationships, more openness can be integrated without being polyamorous. The decisive factor is not the model, but the question: How do we lead our relationship in such a way that we both enjoy a rich and fulfilling love life? And for this it is interesting to understand how diverse the possibilities of love are.
In order not to have just one partner by your side, you need openness. Most of all, jealousy and fear stand in the way of many. Is that why polyamorous relationships are stronger than monogamous?
Simon: Even in polyamorous relationships, people feel jealous. But dealing with feelings of jealousy is often different than in conventional relationships. Instead of repressing and fighting jealousy, it is understood as a normal part of human emotions and the chance in it is emphasized. Jealousy is a cause for self-reflection. Jealous ones ask themselves: what is making me feel insecure right now? What do I need to get better? What can I do myself to feel adorable? What do I want from the others so that it can be easier for me to let go of the stressful thoughts and feelings?
In jealousy, self-doubt and negative self-condemnation are often shown. In this respect, every jealousy represents an opportunity to become more open, softer and more forgiving towards yourself and thus to gain more emotional independence and stability. And it can even strengthen a relationship: When things are going badly and the other person cares for you lovingly.
Conversely, I have seen polyamorous couples who, out of an ideology of freedom, have hurt their partners a lot and repeatedly violated their boundaries. This shows: Polyamore constellations are no better or worse than monogamous relationships, because both versions have advantages and disadvantages. Polyamores may be more skilled at finding workable compromises for everyone. But the mere fact that the needs of several people have to be taken into account makes the matter complex and prone to failure.
What do people have to consider in a relationship when they also meet others or are in a relationship with several others?
Simon: The most important basic requirement for an open or polyamorous relationship is a good and loving connection. If people want to open up the relationship because they no longer feel comfortable in their relationship, it is not a good idea. That will probably not work out very well. Because that puts pressure on the partners. Unresolved arguments or unhealthy behavior patterns can develop into a huge disruptive factor. Precisely because encounters with third parties can trigger jealousy and insecurity, a high degree of communication skills and mutual empathy are required. In this respect, a successful opening always requires the willingness to forego or compromise. It is important that everyone involved strives for self-reflection and to find better solutions together.
Why do most people choose monogamous relationships? Is it because of the people themselves or because of society?
Simon: On the one hand, the monogamous relationship corresponds to the normal image that we get to know as young people in our society. There are hardly any publicly visible role models for alternative love models. When two fall in love, they do not talk about what wishes both have and in which model these wishes can best be realized. Instead, it is automatically considered normal for the two to be monogamous together when it becomes “something serious”. That can be very limiting.
The restrictions are also visible later. Because love and sex are often thought of together. Many people really believe that their love for their partner has expired just because at some point sexual desire for another person arises. That’s pretty sad. Because people then doubt themselves or their relationships just because they are caught in the wrong image: love and sex occasionally come together – and are then usually perceived as particularly beautiful – but they are two independent qualities of experience.
There are other good reasons for monogamous love. Needs for security, clarity, calm and belonging can be met much more easily in the “mono-amorous” model. Especially when life is very stressful, work and family require a lot of strength and attention, simple relationship structures help. They offer stability and protection. And in some phases of life this protection is more important than the tingling space for adventure and exploration. In other phases, however, it can have a constricting and paralyzing effect, then perhaps more opening would be called for. Long-term relationships are particularly stable if, over time, they develop an openness to change in their own relationship model. What was right and important in the past may be different today and may look completely different tomorrow. We take a big step forward when we understand that relationships and their models are allowed to change within the lifespan. In doing so, love does not go away, it just arises over and over again.