Psychologist explains: Only cold withdrawal helps with heartache

heart pain
Psychologist reveals: Only this hard method can help against lovesickness

We all deal differently when our hearts are broken and we mourn. Some plunge into the fray and distract themselves, others withdraw and need time for themselves. But even if our coping strategies are different, what we go through after a breakup is similar for all of us – and according to psychologist Guy Winch, it’s the same as with addiction withdrawal.

Love works like a drug

“Studies have shown that romantic love withdrawal activates the same mechanisms in our brain that are activated when addicts stop using substances like cocaine or opioids,” Winch said of one Ted Talk. A relationship has a similar effect on us as a drug, especially of course the parts of it that make us happy: affection, closeness, familiarity, sex … When all of this suddenly disappears, our brain breaks away from an essential and dominant source of joy – and our first impulse is often the attempt to somehow compensate for it.

Some people make do with celebrations, others with dating or chocolate, and many seek their replacement happiness in beautiful memories of the time together with their partner or by keeping in touch with them, be it just on Facebook or Instagram. According to Winch, however, this is precisely the biggest mistake we can make, as it lengthens withdrawal endlessly and makes recovery difficult for our broken hearts – after all, alcoholics don’t find it easier to get away from alcohol if they do it every two days sniffing vodka … “Addicts know they’re sick. They know when to take their dose. Heartbroken people don’t know,” said the psychologist. “That’s why it’s so difficult to heal a broken heart.”

After a breakup, only cold withdrawal helps

According to Winch, the following four points are central to successful deprivation of love.

1. Look at partners realistically instead of idealizing them

Especially when we feel lonely and miss our ex, we tend to see only the beautiful and positive that we had in him. But that only makes the loss more painful for us. Winch advises that when you have nostalgic tendencies, you should specifically recall negative things, e. B. how we argued about little things or the like.

2. Accept separation instead of analyzing

As appealing as it may be to take the separation apart and try to explain it, it doesn’t do us any good even if we can find a reason. Instead of dwell on what was, we should rather get involved with what is and what will be, advises the psychologist. Because we can no longer change the past, but we can change the future.

3. Try to let go

In all honesty: After a breakup, who has never thought that there might be a way back and that you could get back together with your ex? According to Winch, however, we should consistently fight such thoughts, as they prevent us from letting go. “Accept that it’s over. Otherwise your brain will cling to hope and throw you back,” says the psychologist. “Hope can be incredibly destructive when the heart is broken.”

4. Fill in the gaps created by the separation

So that we do not fall into a persistent depression, our brain needs new sources of happiness as soon as possible after a breakup – it is important to fill the gaps that have arisen as a result of the relationship. Winch explains: “The gaps in your identity, you have to rebuild who you are, what your goal in life is, fill the gaps in your social life, the missing activities and even the empty spaces on the wall where your pictures were hung.” To do this, however, we have to look ahead and embark on something new instead of indulging in the past. “Avoid the behaviors that will lead your ex to starring in your future – even though he shouldn’t even be a supporting actor anymore,” says Winch. Because this is the only way we have the chance of a happy ending.

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Brigitte