We’re constantly plagued by a guilty conscience for things we definitely shouldn’t feel guilty about. How do we get out of there?
It is one of the most uncomfortable feelings, and yet many people carry it around with them on a daily basis. A guilty conscience wafts through our everyday life like a foggy cloud, clouding our view of decisions and relationships.
Women in particular seem to fall into the self-sacrificing role in which the fulfillment of needs comes first – as long as they are not their own. We care and plan, say yes and of course, and constantly strive to please everyone. And yet at the end of the day, when we lie exhausted in bed, we have a guilty conscience. How so? Because this attitude of entitlement is almost impossible to achieve. Because if we always only meet the needs of everyone else, our own will inevitably fall by the wayside.
Nevertheless, in recent years it has mysteriously become common practice that such behavior is desirable. Being there for others is definitely a positive thing. But secretly a little word has crept into this project – always. We always want to be available, always strong, always reliable, always there 100 percent. What we forget: this dynamic always requires two. When we give a lot, others seem perfectly capable of taking a lot. And without having a guilty conscience.
Now we don’t have to become too cold egomaniacs to bring the interplay between others’ and our own needs back into balance. But it doesn’t hurt to question your own guilt. The longer we’ve lived by the rule that others come first, the more our conscience has been affected. The result: We feel guilty about things that are totally, really totally normal.
So how do we get out of trouble? By looking at situations a little more objectively again, getting out of the 100 percent entitlement attitude and stopping feeling guilty for thinking about ourselves. For starters, we have an exercise list for you: We’ll remove these eleven moments from the bad conscience list with immediate effect.
11 Things We Don’t Want To Feel Guilty About From Now On
1. Having feelings
We are not machines, we have feelings. And it’s perfectly legitimate to show them too. In this way we do not signal weakness, but strength – and in the best case we even create a completely new bridge of empathy to our counterpart, who can understand us better.
2. Not having feelings
Oh dear, this also works the other way around, of course. It can be incredibly miserable when a relationship becomes one-sided and, whether it’s friendship or romance, you just don’t feel the same about each other. Feelings cannot be controlled and we cannot help them.
3. Ignore messages
Since the existence of smartphones, the expectation of being reachable anytime and anywhere has established itself. It’s not possible – otherwise we wouldn’t be busy with anything else. It’s perfectly okay not to reply to messages directly. Ignore them and reach out when it suits you. It used to be that you weren’t always at home staring at the answering machine.
4. Decline appointments
Do you always feel like other people somehow have more time than you? Maybe because they don’t plan it that way from the start. It’s okay not to have the time (or inclination) for any reason. We don’t have to justify not always being available.
5. Asking for help
Nobody can do everything. And how often do we ourselves rush to the aid of others – and do so in a totally selfless manner? It’s okay to ask for and accept help, but we don’t have to feel guilty about it.
6. Expressing your needs
Sounds scary? Just because we have lived too long solely according to the needs of others. Communicating clearly what you need isn’t selfish, nor should it make you feel guilty.
7. Not being able to do something
The meritocracy comes knocking and tells us to always be perfect in everything. Stop it – not everyone can do everything. And it’s much nicer to admit that openly than to rack one’s conscience about it all the time.
8. For someone else’s behavior
We’ve done it long enough – and sorry for others. No matter how connected we are to someone, we are separate human beings and never need to feel guilty for the behavior of another adult.
9. Be honest
One should never have a guilty conscience for telling the truth, except for how it is packaged. People have different opinions and they are worth speaking out. It starts with the simple question “does that suit me?” and applies equally in the context of work, friendship or relationships.
10. Being sick
It could be one of the few positive developments in the current situation: we are finally not going to work sick anymore. This culture has nothing to do with commitment, health always comes first. Now all we have to do is say goodbye to the guilty conscience when we call in sick.
11. Listening to your body
Speaking of health: Every body is so different. Just because other people have different boundaries than you don’t mean you have to go beyond yours. If we don’t feel good, we should never feel guilty about it, but rather relearn to protect and appreciate our bodies for who they are.