“Oh, it’s not that bad.” Such sentences are quickly said, but they can hurt more than we think. These are the three most common forms of emotional invalidation – how you deal with them.
We all want to be accepted as we are. This also includes all of our feelings, even if they are unpleasant for the other person. However, if we constantly hear sentences like “That’s not so bad” or “You’re exaggerating” when we explain to someone how we feel, it’s not only very stressful for us, it can also weaken the relationship. Because we can’t treat each other as equals if we don’t feel accepted and are afraid to express our feelings.
And it doesn’t matter whether it’s a friendship, a romantic or even a parent-child relationship. In psychology, this behavior is called emotional devaluation and can take various forms. You should pay attention to these three ways of invalidating your feelings.
These forms of emotional invalidation have no place in a relationship
1. Someone doesn’t take your feelings seriously
You’ve just poured your heart out to your girlfriend and all you hear are “It’s not that bad” or “Don’t act like that”. In doing so, she is suggesting to you that your feelings are not important, and worse, she is denying you the right to your feelings. Those who make such statements usually feel superior. The person is sure that they would handle the situation much better. But feelings are something very personal, and we can never know how we would feel in a certain situation – and how we would act.
The statement: “I know exactly how you feel” is similar. In most cases it is well-intentioned, but it also denies you the right to your emotions. Because instead of just giving you space for yourself and your feelings, the person is saying that they have felt exactly that way before. But no one can feel exactly what you’re feeling right now – and that’s not necessary.
2. Someone judges your feelings
If you hear things like, “You’re way too sensitive” or “Don’t take it to heart” when you express your emotions, it’s a judgment. The person fails to simply listen to and accept your feelings; instead, they suggest to you that because you feel the way you do right now, you are less worthy. And this form of emotional invalidation is of course poisonous for any relationship because one side assumes the right to pass judgment on the other.
3. Someone rejects your feelings
Another form of invalidating your feelings is to reject them completely. You might feel this when someone responds with “That’s not true” or “I don’t want to hear that” after you explain how you’re feeling. This is how the other person makes you feel like your emotions are wrong. This often happens when the person is unable to handle what someone is telling them. Because of this excessive demand, she negates the feelings of her counterpart instead of really engaging with what is being said and simply accepting it – even if she has a different opinion about the content.
3 tips to deal with emotional invalidation
As already mentioned, emotional invalidation can eat away at the relationship, even at first without us noticing it. When one person constantly disregards, judges, or even completely rejects the other’s feelings, it creates a dangerous imbalance. If you feel like there is a person in your life who is invalidating your emotions, you might try these reactions:
1. Trust yourself
To ensure that your mental health does not suffer long-term damage from emotional invalidation, you should definitely counteract it with strong self-confidence. It’s important that you don’t believe yourself that your feelings aren’t valid. Trust yourself and your emotions. No matter what you’re feeling right now, it can be there.
2. Don’t get involved in discussions about your feelings
You don’t have to first earn the right to exist for your feelings. And that’s exactly why you don’t have to defend them. If someone tries to fob you off with sayings like “Don’t act like that” or “You’re way too sensitive,” there’s little point in discussing it. So don’t let yourself be pushed into a defensive position; it’s best to end the conversation right there.
3. Invest in relationships with people who take you and your feelings seriously
If someone regularly invalidates your feelings, that’s definitely a red flag – regardless of whether it’s a romantic partner, a good friend or your mother. Not every relationship can be ended easily, but you always have control over how much energy you want to put into it. If possible, you should only do this with people who are good for you. And that includes being able to accept your feelings without minimizing or dismissing them.
Sources used: psychologytoday.com, psychcentral.com, Denkenwelt.de