“You don’t owe anyone anything. Only yourself,” writes criminologist Viola Möbius – and gives a few no-gos that, in her opinion, are absolutely not okay in any kind of relationship.
While studying criminology, author and criminologist Viola Möbius came across a formula by Franz von Liszt that explores the question of why a person becomes a criminal. The approach: The perpetrator’s disposition (i.e. the character traits that a person is given at birth) combined with the sociological factors (i.e. the environment in which the person lives) determine whether a person becomes a criminal.
This “investment world formula” can also be broken down into a formula suitable for everyday use, writes Möbius in her book “Detox Your Life – Which people you want to have in your environment. And which ones don’t“, which reads: “People generally become criminals when their environment is criminal” (although possible genetic dispositions are not taken into account, according to the author).
But what does this have to do with no-gos in human interaction? The answer is simple: As social beings, we are strongly influenced by our environment. One study came to the conclusion that the social environment, for example, is crucial for young people’s career choices exerts influence on ithow (un)healthily we eat. Our immediate environment shapes us, can bring out the best in us, make us happy – but can also keep us small, pull us down and suppress us. In her book, the criminologist mentions, in addition to some checklists for “quality control” of the immediate environment, absolute no-gos that, in her opinion, should be stopped immediately. We have put together a small selection of these.
Anyone who behaves like this towards you should be banned from your life
The criminologist advises consistently banning people who treat you disrespectfully in different ways. “No, you’re not responsible for people being like this,” she makes clear, “but remember that all of these people who behave this way towards you are just taking the freedoms you give them.” Good relationships would ultimately be based on voluntariness – and not on a sense of duty or a bad conscience. “You don’t owe anyone anything. Only yourself.”
People who envy you, don’t begrudge you anything or want to slow you down
“Unfortunately, this is often observed,” writes the author. Such problems are not discussed out loud, but are constantly there: “With hints, pointed comments, rejections, vilification.” This would lead to the person not being confident enough to make changes – and ultimately suffering for the rest of their lives for not having done the things they are passionate about. You should pay attention when you hear sentences along the lines of: “You probably think you’re something better now?” or: “So we “We can’t afford that,” warns the criminologist.
Envy is anything but a nice feeling that is driven by Institutionsthat are created by our modern society – such as advertising and social media. When a person feels inadequate, something like this can bring out the worst in them.
People who want to impose bans of all kinds on you
“I don’t want you to meet up with your ex-boyfriend”, “You shouldn’t go to parties. I trust you, but not the others there” – such or similar statements from other people are an immense transgression of boundaries and show absolutely nothing Trust. Marriage therapist Weena Cullins says in an interview with “Mind Body Green”: “If your partner violates your physical and emotional boundaries in a way that unsettles or makes you insecure, that is a reason for a separation.”
As a person with your own wishes and needs, it is extremely important to maintain – and defend – your own boundaries. A person who doesn’t accept something like that “should be removed from your environment list,” advises Möbius.
People who are trapped in the role of victim
Family therapist Vicki Botnick explains the victim mentality to “Healthline” like this: These people “have fallen into the belief that everyone else has caused their misery and nothing they do will ever change it.” People who see themselves as victims tend to blame others for their own problems, make excuses, and shirk responsibility.
Of course, bad things happen, often to people who don’t deserve it, and sometimes the whole world seems to be conspiring against one person. But in many situations there are different degrees of personal responsibility – and those who see themselves in the role of victim are more likely to ignore their own responsibility and rest in self-pity. Ultimately, this is not a situation that can be sustained in the long term, neither for the person nor for those around them. The criminologist recommends separating yourself from people who “live in the role of victim and whose stories of life and suffering from the Valley of Wailing and the Wailing Wall are an integral part of your conversations.”
About author Viola Möbius
The certified criminologist, author, speaker and edutainer Viola Möbius has already published 16 books. It conveys and adapts in an unconventional way what lies behind investigators and profilers – from psychological to sociological aspects. Since 2017, Viola has also been a guest lecturer for various educational institutions. Your current book “Detox your Life!: Which people you want to have in your environment. And which ones don’t!” (GABAL Verlag) was published in April 2023.
Sources used: Book “Detox Your Life – Which people you want to have in your environment. And which ones you don’t”, bibb.de, berliner-zeitung.de, sciencedirect.com, mindbodygreen.com, healthline.com