communication
5 questions to ask instead of “How are you?” can put
© Jacob Lund / Adobe Stock
How many times have you been asked how you are today? And how often did you answer honestly? Even. Here are five better questions to open a conversation.
And for short, superficial conversations between acquaintances, this question may also be appropriate; after all, we don’t want to have deep conversations with every random acquaintance on the subway.
But when someone is close to us – or we want to get closer to a person – this question is usually not the right one. Because most of us are conditioned to respond with “Everything’s fine, what about you?” to answer. And so we usually don’t find out how someone is really doing. But if you want to, here are five suggestions for you on how you can open a conversation more empathetically, wisely and profoundly.
You can ask these 5 questions instead of “How are you?” place
1. “How are you feeling right now?”
The question sounds similar to the obligatory “How are you?”, but it immediately suggests that you are really interested in hearing what is going on with the other person. The verb “feel” instead of “go” creates a certain intimacy between you and makes the other person more likely to open up to you.
2. “What is bothering you at the moment?”
Not all people find it easy to share with others how they feel and what is going on inside them. “What’s bothering you at the moment?” At the same time, it is so concrete that the person you are talking to feels invited to tell you something, and not necessarily on an emotional level. This way the person can perhaps start by talking about a book they have just read without having to go into depth straight away.
3. “What’s going well and what’s not?”
The biggest problem with the good old “How are you?” is that most people answer this quite succinctly. “Everything’s fine”, “quite okay” or “great” comes up often. But life is usually not that simple. Some things may be very pleasant at the moment, others may cause us difficulties. By asking a person more specifically about what is positive and what is negative, we are also likely to get a better picture of how they are really feeling.
4. “Last time we spoke, you talked about xy. How did that turn out?”
Picking up on something you’ve already talked about sends a clear message: I’m listening to you and interested in what’s happening in your life. No matter whether it’s about a situation at work, a sick person in your environment or a potential new partner – ask specifically how something is developing and how the other person is feeling about it.
5. “What question would you like to be asked right now?”
Maybe there is something in this person’s life that they really want to share, that they are thinking about, or that is important to them. However, due to the typical flow of conversation, you may not even come to this topic. With this question you enable the person you are talking to to talk about exactly what is on his or her mind at the moment. This strengthens the connection between you and ensures that the person you are talking to can get something off their chest.
Sources used: cnbc.com, lifehacker.com