For some people, friendships are more important than relationships and family. A team of scientists examined what characteristics characterize strong friendships and how they change over time.
In the book “Five Star Weekend” by Elin Hilderbrand, the main character Hollis invites four friends to a weekend on the American high-society island of Nantucket: a friend from every stage of life. Hollis’ best friend from high school, her best friend from her college years, the woman she was closest to as a young mother and wife, and her current supposed best friend – that’s the makeup for the five-star weekend . And as the extremely charming and well-written story develops and takes readers on an exciting, worthwhile journey, it will certainly inspire many people to ask themselves: Who would I invite to a weekend like this? Who has accompanied, influenced and gotten to know me on my life journey so far?
Friendships play a central role in many people’s lives. Our friends were there for us when we argued with our parents as teenagers. They celebrated with us when the semester ended, comforted us when our first big relationship fell apart. Some people have one best friend for life, others, like Hollis, can name one for each stage of life. What are the rules of friendship? What makes a real friendship? Can we even compare friendships? A group of scientists from Istanbul examined these questions, among others.
The five core ingredients of real friendships
The researchers define friendship as “voluntary and mutual relationships that include compassion, a shared history, intimacy and appreciation.” The fact that our friendships change significantly in quality and quantity over the course of our lives is explained by the fact that our needs and demands change over time. As children, we need friends who play with us and integrate us, as adolescents we need friends who celebrate with us and help us develop our self-confidence, and as adults we need people who listen to us and share our interests , suit our temperament. We can have different friends for different sides of ourselves at any time, but more often than not there will be one side – and one friend – that occupies the most space at a given time in our lives.
For your Investigation The scientists focused on young adults and asked them about their existing friendships. The catalog contained, among other things, questions such as:
- What does friendship mean to you?
- What does your best friend mean to you?
- Does your friendship influence your lifestyle habits?
- Has your perception of friendship changed over time?
- What do you share with your best friends?
- Do you argue with your best friends? What are you arguing about? How do you resolve conflicts?
(Incidentally, asking yourself these questions is not uninteresting.) Based on the answers, the researchers identified the following five core areas of friendships and identified key elements that each area contains if the relationship in question is a strong friendship acts.
behavioral level
On the behavioral or experiential level, the scientists recorded the exchange of feelings and thoughts as well as joint activities as important components of a friendship. Spending beautiful moments together is just as much a part of a friendship as supporting each other, be it financially, emotionally or socially. A friendship is also characterized by the fact that we withdraw ourselves in favor of the other person and that both sides can maintain their boundaries.
Cognitive level
At the cognitive level, the scientists cite mutual trust and a feeling of security as core elements. Friends harmonized with each other and complemented each other. Both or all participants felt an interest or determination to maintain the friendship and felt respect, concern and attentiveness for each other.
emotional level
When it comes to the emotional level, the researchers cite an emotional connection as the decisive points and the feeling that the friend fulfills and enriches our lives. The idea that they were no longer there would cause fear and sadness; without the person we would be missing something important.
Structural properties
As part of their survey, the scientists identified the structural characteristics of a friendship as important components: transparency and honesty, similarities, but at the same time the willingness to appreciate differences and special features in one another and to reciprocate the other person’s feelings and behavior.
Developmental level (especially in young adults)
At the level of development that plays a major role, especially for younger adults, but can also be important later in life, the researchers include points such as helping the other person to grow and find themselves, turning away from ideals and striving for perfection, and becoming a human being accept mistakes and weaknesses and adapt to changing life circumstances – for example by starting a partnership or starting a family.
Can friendship be described scientifically?
It can be exciting and informative and, above all, fun to think about your own friendships based on these five areas and to find the individual characteristics more or less reflected in them. But how could the summary of a survey of several people ever do justice to and describe a single, individual friendship? How could she capture or explain how much and why we feel sorry for our friend when she is unwell? How do we know 100% that we understand each other, even if we haven’t spoken in years? How easy it is to forgive a friend because we wouldn’t give a thought to the fact that he or she might intentionally hurt us? Friendships are interesting forms of relationships about which scientists can certainly find out, learn and pass on a lot to us. But what our friendships mean to us – and who we would invite to our Five Star Weekend – is something we can best answer ourselves.
Sources used: psychologytoday.com, researchgate.net