psychology
5 sentences with which your counterpart subconsciously blames you
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Mistakes are human – and yet many people don’t like to admit them. Some even try to transfer their own guilt onto those around them. How do you know that the other person is planning to do this?
“It wasn’t me, it was Svea,” says little Eric to his mom. “My colleague made this chart,” the employee justifies herself to her supervisor. “That was her idea,” her partner shifts the blame away. Three sentences that you have probably heard in one way or another.
What’s so difficult about saying, “Sorry, that was my mistake. How can I fix it?” Such an admission of guilt could show weakness. Uncertainty. Stupidity. At least in theory we believe that. In practice, the opposite is often the case: Mistakes are associated with strength, self-confidence and intelligence. Let’s just give it a try next time. And at the same time, we pay attention to certain sentences from those around us because they are intended to unfairly blame us.
5 sentences with which your counterpart subconsciously blames you
“That wasn’t my idea, but that of…”
If something went wrong, it was definitely not your own idea that led to it. Someone else made the suggestion and it has now failed. And he or she also has responsibility. If you are told “That was your idea”, Question this first instead of immediately admitting wrongful guilt. In most cases it is the case that at least the idea was worked on together. And: Your counterpart could have done it differently if “your” idea had been so stupid.
“I was put under pressure!”
Orders were only carried out that were forced upon him and she couldn’t do anything about it. Everyone else is to blame. “Oh come on, just stay,” says the friend in the evening. “She urged me to stay,” is what you’ll try to justify the next morning when you miss your first appointment. But couldn’t he:she have simply said “no”?
“I thought you wanted it that way.”
This sentence is particularly manipulative. Not only are you blamed, but you are also immediately made to feel guilty and portrayed as ungrateful. The fact that he:she only did it for you and thought you wanted it that way is often a lie. The person you are talking to knows exactly that he/she did this for themselves. For example, he:she cooked his favorite meal knowing you didn’t like it. But you just mentioned that you would be happy if he:she cooked something. Or he:she knows that you want to travel to Iceland (but want to save up first so as not to use up all your reserves) and book flights and a hotel from your joint account. If you are not overly happy, you will be met with incomprehension and blame – because you wanted it so much.
“You should have just done that yourself.”
Well, he:she told you. If you had done it yourself, it wouldn’t have gone wrong and you wouldn’t be at fault now. Stop: You actively chose to ask someone and that’s completely okay. With this sentence, your counterpart is only trying to show that he:she is smarter and that with this intelligence, no mistakes can be expected from him:her. You, on the other hand… But who’s to say that things really would have turned out better if you had done things differently?
“You know I can’t do that!”
You ask your counterpart whether he/she can do something. Repair the bike, peel the potatoes, explain the child’s homework. If that doesn’t work, in his/her opinion it’s definitely not his/her own fault – it’s just that you said he/she should do it, so the responsibility lies with you. Especially because you should have known that he:she wasn’t that good at it. Stop! This sentence also requires questioning rather than assuming blame. You believed in him:herhe:she could have said “no” and besides, none of you have to blame, because it’s not the end of the world if the potatoes aren’t perfectly peeled.
Don’t let these sentences subconsciously blame you, but listen up and question them. In the best case scenario, don’t react with a fit of anger or defiance, because your counterpart already finds it difficult to admit mistakes – accusations and negative emotions will make it even more unpleasant for him/her. Instead, say how you perceive the situation, how it makes you feel and give him:her a positive feeling when something doesn’t go the way it should, so that he:she learns that admitting something like that isn’t a bad thing. We remember again: mistakes are human and we learn from them.
Sources used: hackspirit.com, psychotipps.com