I just find some conversations uncomfortable. For example, if I have to give criticism to others. When I know in advance that the person I’m talking to isn’t taking me seriously. When I have to make small talk with strangers. And conversations about intimacy, even when I know I have nothing to be ashamed of. I just don’t feel well. But because I desperately want to be able to go into all these conversations with confidence, I tried to find out what would help me. And I would like to share this with everyone who can understand me, even if only in part.
“Sorry, that’s forbidden here.” “We’re doing it a little differently.” “For me it’s nicer if we do it that way.” Three sentences that always make me blush and sheepish because they make me uncomfortable. Just like that typical awkward silence when you don’t know what to talk about with new acquaintances. For me, these are all stressful situations.
I actually don’t know what’s so bad about it. I think I’m afraid that the other person will think I’m unfriendly, a know-it-all, a bad person. On the other hand, I ask myself what I think when someone points out mistakes or is quiet in a conversation. I wouldn’t ascribe to her any of the attributes that I think others do to me. I would probably be more grateful because I find it human and know that I am not different or even wrong. That everything is normal.
At least in theory that helps me. But when I get into an unpleasant conversation again, and that definitely happens, I have found that the following thoughts and statements help me get through it well.
This helps me have uncomfortable conversations
Mistakes help us become better people
Whenever I point out a mistake to someone, no matter how small and trivial, I feel like I’m putting myself above them. Like I was attacking her. Total nonsense, I tell myself in these moments. We are all constantly learning and no one is perfect or all-knowing. That would be boring too! So it’s completely okay if I tell others that this or that is a rule, that they misspelled a word, or that their train of thought contains a mistake. As long as I remain friendly, the other person won’t hold it against me – in case of doubt, they will even be grateful for the hint that they didn’t have before or that they forgot and that they can easily do it right in the future.
I deserve to be happy myself
I have that and I often forget that. I like to help others, worry about their well-being and put myself aside. If my counterpart is doing well, if the way everything is going makes him:her happy, should I really communicate my wishes? YES! Because they are just as important, I finally understood that after ages. And how will the other person know what I want and like if I don’t say it? Lip reading rarely works – so it’s better to speak openly and honestly. This not only makes me more approachable, but ultimately also happier.
“Can we please have a proper conversation about this?”
When I need or want to address an unpleasant topic, this phrase has somehow become established in my mind. For me, this means that we both take time now, put our cell phones away, listen to each other, let each other speak and really try to understand the other person. We formulate our respective perspectives in the first person and without judgment. I always think to myself that it’s okay to have different opinions, often even good, in order to be able to think further and find new, exciting aspects. If the atmosphere is right and I make that clear to myself, I find the situation much less unpleasant.
“It makes me uncomfortable” or “I hate it”
Another simple and yet effective language phenomenon: If I directly express that I am uncomfortable talking about it, or that I hate pointing out small mistakes or inconsistencies to others and don’t want to come across as a know-it-all, it falls makes it easier for me to convey the actually important content of the conversation. Somehow it makes me feel better, as if the person I’m talking to would then find me more likeable, as if he:she knew: “Okay, she doesn’t want to attack me, she really just wants to help and to do that she’s even putting herself in a situation that’s uncomfortable for her. “
Remember positive feedback
How many moments have there been in which I criticized someone (respectfully) and they thanked them and said that it helped them a lot or that I was totally right? Many many. In how many moments have I encountered anger and defiance? In very few. What has it achieved so far when I have really spoken openly about my feelings, wishes and needs? Extremely much! The person I spoke to was able to understand me better, took me seriously, helped me and I became happier. The situation has never worsened; at most, the other person has reacted critically and thereby helped me to reconsider my point of view.
Has a new acquaintance ever insulted me because I’m not good at small talk? No never. Everyone has weaknesses and strengths and either the person and I just came up with a good topic to talk about or if not, we both went our separate ways and probably forgot about each other rather than speaking badly about each other.
Conclusion: Not only can I get through an unpleasant conversation, but in most cases it goes really well and is successful!
With these five thoughts and phrases, I usually manage to have even uncomfortable conversations with confidence. And because I know how stupid, stressful and overwhelming the feeling can sometimes get, I hope these tips help others too. Otherwise, I would like to motivate you: Try out what makes these moments more pleasant for you. This can also include whether you prefer to speak on the phone or in person. For two or more people. Immediately or preferably after a few hours. Yes, trying new things is sometimes unpleasant – that’s a different topic – and yet I can say with conviction: it’s worth it.