Psychological manipulation is often not as easy to spot as some might think. You can read here which sentences are typical for gas lighting, for example.
Gaslighting is a form of manipulation and emotional abuse and usually leads to people questioning their feelings, thoughts, perceptions and possibly even their minds. The phenomenon is named after a play by the playwright Patrick Hamilton, Gas lightin which a man tries to drive his wife insane by, for example, installing gas lamps in her house and then denying he did it. In reality, however, gas lighting is usually more subtle and unconscious than in this fictional, eponymous model.
Rarely does a person consciously decide to be an energy vampire, to emotionally abuse, blackmail or gaslighten another person. Most of those who display such behavior compensate for their own insecurities, problems, self-esteem disorders or trauma. And many do not even realize that they are harming their fellow human beings. But that doesn’t make it more harmless.
Especially in intimate relationships where trust and closeness are important components, gaslighting can significantly and lastingly damage those affected by their self-esteem, self-confidence, attachment behavior and other characteristics of their psyche and personality. It is all the more important that we recognize gas lighting when we come into contact with it, so that we can distance ourselves from the environment in which it encounters us – or so that we catch ourselves doing it if we accidentally end up gas lighting. Because as I said: only in rare cases do people decide to manipulate their loved ones or to make them insecure.
The following sentences may actually have already come out of the lips of one or the other of us or at least lay on the tongue. Or we heard it and thought nothing of it. And maybe they don’t have much of an impact if they fall once or occasionally in a relationship. But be careful with these sentences. Because whoever gets to hear it again and again – from friends: in, partner: in, parents, siblings or other people close to you – can suffer psychological damage.
7 inconspicuous sentences that will help you recognize gaslighting
1. “You’re too emotional.”
From a distance or from another perspective it can sometimes be difficult to understand how other people feel and react, and so some people get carried away with this or a comparable statement in certain situations. But what we do not understand, we cannot judge or condemn, and to dictate to someone how he should feel it is a no-go anyway. Namely, when we are criticized or rejected for the way we feel, it can lead to self-denial towards our emotions and shame and profound self-doubt. Therefore, please distance yourself from this sentence – both when it occurs in our thoughts and when someone else utters it.
2. “You’re exaggerating again.”
There are always different perspectives and interpretations, but people who are limited in their perspective or insecure in their point of view tend to discriminate against divergent views. You may strengthen and confirm yourself with statements like this – but other people can weaken you and make you feel insecure. The same applies to the subject of feelings: Nobody has to judge or dictate how we perceive and classify something. And people to whom we care take our point of view seriously and strive for understanding instead of simply dismissing it as exaggerated.
3. “I didn’t mean it like that, you twist the words in my mouth.”
Misunderstandings happen, and sometimes something doesn’t go down the way it was intended to. But blaming the listener alone is manipulative and certainly not the only or best way to clear up the matter. While one side is supposed to doubt their ability to communicate, the other pulls out of the affair with this accusation.
4. “If you weren’t so complicated / stupid / exhausting / … we wouldn’t have a problem at all.”
Similar principle as in the last example: Gaslightende use accusations and accusations to exonerate themselves and to pull them out of responsibility. What they trigger in their loved ones with statements like these – from self-doubt to self-hatred – are usually not at all clear to them or they do not care.
5. “You’re just imagining it.”
Another example of a sentence that, when someone directs it to us, explicitly questions our perception. And the person who pronounces it renounces the duty or task to deal with the topic further. But the fact that we see things as we see them and that something concerns us has reasons that neither we nor anyone else can simply ignore.
6. “This is all your fault.”
Do we have to say anything else about this? Such apportionment of blame is an obvious manipulation and is almost always wrong and unjust. Unfortunately, it can sometimes be difficult to tell. And so there are people who break or suffer greatly from the fact that someone they trust persuades them again and again that they are solely to blame for quarrels, conflicts, misfortunes or crises. Therefore: alarm bells on when this sentence is raised.
7. “If I really meant something to you …”
With this statement, Gaslightende make their loved ones doubt their feelings and their attitudes towards their relationship as well as question their behavior and their limits. You indirectly commit emotional blackmail, because most of the time the other person will feel obliged to prove what you mean to them. But how we show a person that he means something to us is our business. And to trust us that he will do it, even if it really should look different from what he imagined, his.
Source used: healthline.com