psychology
This is how you can tell whether your jealousy is healthy or problematic
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Sometimes it’s not that easy to draw the line between healthy and unhealthy jealousy. A distinguishing aid.
Most of us feel jealous at times. This can happen in a relationship when our sweetheart gets a lot of attention from someone else – or he pays (too) much attention to someone else. But feelings can also occur in friendships Jealousy arises when a dear friend spends a lot of time with another friend or has a new partner. The same applies to all areas of life, including our profession. Maybe we’re jealous of the new colleague who got the job we applied for.
Feelings of jealousy are a normal human reaction. And they can certainly be helpful. Ultimately, like all feelings, they tell us something: that our boundaries have been exceeded or that we want something specific, for example. However, there are aspects that can be problematic. If we secretly check our sweetheart’s phone or can’t stand it when he meets friends alone, then the jealousy will definitely harm our relationship in the long run.
Why are we jealous anyway?
A lot influences how jealous we are in a relationship, for example: our attachment style and other influences from childhood or experiences in our last relationship. If our ex has cheated on us, this can make us more suspicious of our new sweetheart. If we haven’t learned a sense of security from our parents, this can also lead to strong jealousy.
But how secure we feel in this specific relationship (or friendship) can also influence the level of our jealousy. If we feel valued by our sweetheart and are sure of their feelings, this gives us less reason to be jealous than if someone is reluctant to talk about their own emotions and thoughts and generally reveals little about themselves. Communication is the be-all and end-all so that we feel safe and secure in a relationship.
When is jealousy healthy and when is it toxic?
Not sure whether your jealousy is in the green zone of healthy or in the red zone of toxic? The most important aspect of distinguishing whether jealousy is healthy or problematic is how we deal with it. Healthy, natural jealousy, which most people know and feel from time to time, usually doesn’t last long and we correctly categorize the feeling. We recognize that we are currently jealous and understand what triggers it.
Unhealthy jealousy, on the other hand, often comes on very suddenly and literally explodes. We don’t reflect on the emotion, but rather feel a strong need to control the other person and the situation – to which we immediately give in.
So it can help to listen very carefully to ourselves when we are jealous. First of all, it is important to know what triggers the jealousy. Do you have a rational reason for your distrust? So your partner is flirting aggressively and including physical contact with someone else in front of you? This doesn’t necessarily mean that he/she is really cheating on you, but if such behavior has repeatedly been an issue between you and your sweetheart doesn’t take your feelings seriously, it’s at least understandable that you’re hurt. But if you’re freaking out over something small – like your partner meeting a buddy – then that could be a sign of unhealthy jealousy.
Dealing carefully with jealousy
Feel further into yourself: How does jealousy feel? Is it more of a subtle feeling or does it feel like the emotion is taking over you completely? Do you feel like you have to act immediately, for example by confronting your partner with your suspicions, secretly reading his/her message history, or some other short-term reaction? Or does it feel like you are still in control of the situation and can consciously decide how to deal with the emotion?
This distinction is very important. If you have the feeling that jealousy is controlling you and you feel at the mercy of it, there may well be a deeper problem behind it. In this case, it can be helpful to talk about it in a therapeutic setting and get to the bottom of the extreme jealousy. Ultimately, strong jealousy usually has more to do with ourselves and our influences than with the other person.
Sources used: mindbodygreen.com, elitedaily.com, self.com