psychology
Is it (un)healthy for us to keep secrets?
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Not coming out with the truth, I guess most of us have already done that. But what effect do secrets have on us and our relationships?
Secrets can divide us or bring us together when we share them, while in turn they separate us from outsiders. Some things we keep quiet about may not be important to us, but represent a serious betrayal of trust in the relationship for others. So perhaps the most important question is: Should we have secrets at all? We explain what speaks for and against.
Secrets: Good or Bad?
Keeping something to ourselves and not sharing it with others can protect us. But at the same time it can be a problem for others. Secrets can also hurt ourselves and make us feel worse. For example, when something is bothering us. Maybe we’re not sure what our best friend’s reaction will be when we share. This can gnaw at us and increase the distance to her.
Be honest to yourself
Why are you keeping the secret to yourself? Is it for your personal protection or that of others? And are the consequences for you worse for speaking out than for letting it gnaw deep inside you? It can do you good to solve a secret, even if it has unpleasant consequences for the moment or for a long time. If fear of being judged is keeping you from raising your voice, consider: Can you overcome that fear so the mystery doesn’t bother you anymore? How big or small is it and how much does it bother you? Any one of us who has held something back knows that liberating feeling when it’s finally out. How great is the suffering you already have – and how much of it will be gone when you say so?
The most common reasons for secrets
Often behind the secret is a loving reason or a fear. Let’s look at a few typical things that lead us to keep things to ourselves:
- Not wanting to hurt the partner
- Wanting to protect the relationship
- To avoid a confrontation
- Fear of being judged or disliked
- The subject is fraught with shame
- Fear of not being able to fix the problem or change the behavior
Secrets create a barrier between people. It doesn’t matter whether that’s the case with family members, couples or friends. Talking to each other can strengthen and improve a relationship. Revealed secrets can provide transparency and understanding and possibly also make the other person feel like they can talk to you openly. Your courage could also encourage others to open up.
How to tell secrets
Not everything you keep to yourself is easy to share. And not everything is necessary knowledge for every person in your life. Some things are only meant for you, your loved ones or best friends. But if you have a topic you’d like to discuss yourself, the following things can help you:
- Write your secret on a piece of paper. Nobody has to read it, but just visualizing it can be a good first step for you.
- Talk to yourself about your secret. Say it openly, as if you want to tell yourself. This can be good preparation for the moment you tell someone else.
- Consider where you want to share your secret: privately or in a public place?
- Consider whether you’re better off talking about your secret impulsively or planning the conversation in detail.
- If you’re very emotional about the topic, wait until you’ve calmed down a bit. Being able to think clearly is very helpful in these moments.
- Explain to your counterpart why you couldn’t tell the secret before so that he:she can understand it better.
- Be prepared to listen to the other person’s response, no matter how disappointing or encouraging.
Source used: Dr Alison Block Health Psychology Center