5 x A = love? This psychological formula is intended to show us what we really need – in our love life and from other people close to us. We’ll explain to you what the five “A”s are all about.
Psychotherapist David Richo calls them “5 a’s of love”. They should be essential so that we can feel loved, safe, seen and much more. If we lack them, we feel incomplete – and often look for them in other people instead of in ourselves.
David Richo is one of the most popular psychotherapists in the USA. In his book “How to be an adult in relationships” he explains what we need and want in relationships, usually unconsciously. According to him, we often find the roots of these needs in childhood. If there were a lack of components in this, we would grow up with a deficit. And we will continue to strive to eliminate this long afterward. This makes it all the more important to become aware of this as an adult in order to heal.
Five things we all need in relationships
“Attention” – attention
Attentive people are sensitive to our needs and feelings, they focus on us. According to Richo, attention means noticing and hearing a person’s words, feelings and experiences. This makes us feel understood in what we say or do and in who we are. We feel valued. “The desire for attention is not the desire for an audience, but for a listener,” writes the psychotherapist. This creates security and trust and is reflected in compassion, genuine interest and curiosity.
“Acceptance” – acceptance
Accepting people treat our feelings, decisions and personal characteristics with respect and support us in them. The opposite of acceptance is rejection. This makes a person insecure about being themselves and can lead to a less authentic self. Shame or a feeling of being inadequate can result – or those affected may change their true selves to better please others. However, some people also find strength in it and learn to trust in themselves instead of what others say. This increases self-esteem and self-confidence. “Acceptance is unconditional because it means acknowledging someone’s choices and lifestyle, even if you don’t agree with them,” says David Richo. It means learning that you are enough, including your personal boundaries.
“Appreciation” – appreciation
“I think it’s impressive how you handle it.” “I’m so happy to call you my friend.” “I respect you and your decision.” These sentences encourage us and give us strength. Appreciation comes with acceptance and gratitude for what a person gives us. They are words or actions that show an understanding of what we can do and feel. Our self-worth is perceived, free of envy or possessiveness.
“Affection” – affection
Affection can be physical or emotional. “I learn what love is when I first feel loved,” writes Richo. “It is then encoded into every cell of my body, and the love I seek later in life is intended to mimic the original experience.” Affection is shown as closeness and compassion for a person we like. The person, in turn, is committed to the fact that this often happens. The relationship includes reliable availability. Most people would know what it takes to feel loved, but: “We have to learn to ask for it,” says the psychotherapist.
“Allowing” – Allow
We have the right to make our own decisions and act on them. When we have this freedom, we benefit ourselves and others. We learn that it is okay to be ourselves and show our deepest needs and desires. This supports our true selves and gives us the confidence to address difficult topics. The opposite of allowing is control. If we have not received support, we may doubt our own values and talents or pretend. Allowing therefore means encouraging a person’s passion and interests rather than sweeping them under the rug for one’s own good or for greater security. It can also mean letting someone go if we see that it is best for the other person.
A guide to a more loving life
We now know the formula that is supposed to help us achieve loving relationships. Where do we already notice it ourselves because we support others? Where do we hold back out of fear or worry? Where are we restricted, possibly out of a loving intention, but born out of the fears of the other? By reflecting on whether attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection and allowance are part of our relationships, we learn about their strengths and weaknesses. The “five A’s of love” depend on each other. They are important so that we can find ourselves and support others to be themselves. When we find out what we lack, we can address it. However, it is also important to understand that no person can fully fulfill the five components. And that no one can always respond to us the way we need them. Because the ego with its wishes and worries and its own view of and of a person can, for example, prevent a clear view. It is up to ourselves and our environment to find the right mix. Finding out where an argument is rooted deep in what we’re missing from the “five A’s of love.” So that we can see where it’s worth fine-tuning the relationship and strengthening love.
Source used: “How to be an adult in relationships” – David Richo, 2021