How do we deal with it when someone treats us condescendingly? Psychologists give helpful tips along the way.
Okay, let me explain it to you very simply and slowly: Condescending people treat you “from above”. The Duden describes it as a haughty and patronizing friendliness that makes an (imagined) “difference in rank clearly felt,” as in our introduction. Maybe they explain something to you in a way that makes you feel like they think you’re not very intelligent. They may downplay your abilities or successes or make you feel like you’re not good at something.
A well-known form of condescending communication is the so-called “mansplaining”, a made-up word that is made up of “man” and “explaining” and describes a person who thinks they know something better and explaining it to another person in the most condescending manner possible. The term for this phenomenon may suggest that, but “mansplaining” is not exclusively carried out by men. Studies However, show that the effect is particularly negative on women. “They tend to register that their competence has been questioned more than men, and that this is due to a gender bias,” says research associate at Michigan State University Caitlin Briggs, explaining the study results to The Guardian.
In other words, condescending behavior from men makes women feel like they are being prejudiced against them because of their gender – which in some cases may be true. By the way: In contrast, according to the results of the study, men did not seem to have a problem when a woman explained something to them in a condescending manner.
One thing is clear: Nobody has to put up with this kind of behavior, nobody should accept in silence when other people dare to question their own intelligence and abilities. But how can we respond well to something like this? The online magazine “Parade” spoke to some psychologists about this and put together tips that we would like to go into in more detail.
These phrases work wonders on condescending people
“When someone speaks down to you, it can feel like the person is denying you a sense of autonomy—knowing who you are and what you want—and competence—knowing what to do and how to do it do – take,” explains psychologist Dr. Jan Newman opposite “Parade”. This would take away basic human needs, the scientist continued.
There isn’t just one form of condescending behavior – it can include everything from “mansplaining” to dictating your own thoughts and feelings. This can also include interruptions or “corrections,” says Newman. For example, if the partner sees the need to say something like “What she wants to say is…”. It is important to listen to your gut feeling, adds psychologist Dr. Harry Cohen told “Parade”: If you have the feeling that something is wrong, then it usually is. And how can we respond well to this?
“I ask you not to address me that way. I would prefer it if you…”
Short, painless, to the point. This sentence is about ending the disrespect diplomatically – but directly – and quickly, says psychologist Harry Cohen. This sentence is probably the simplest and the best solution in such situations, because it nips the problem in the bud: Anyone who immediately sets clear boundaries and makes it clear that he/she will not tolerate such behavior stands up for themselves.
Of course, this doesn’t always work and it doesn’t necessarily have to work the first time – after all, we often don’t expect someone to treat us condescendingly. We are not prepared for it and do not always have an immediate answer. It is also possible to address the situation again in a quiet moment later and ask that something like this not happen again.
“We’re welcome to start over if you’re ready to communicate like an adult.”
Psychologist Dr. Brittany McGeehan suggests a very direct sentence – But please only do this if you are currently in a situation in which the consequences are manageable and you can expect that the other person will classify the statement correctly. In short: Perhaps it would be better to say such a sentence in a relationship rather than to your superior.
And: The sentence should not stand alone, but should classify the situation and why it is unacceptable for you. For example: “I will not tolerate being talked down to, it is disrespectful and undermines our mutual trust. We are welcome to start over if you are ready to communicate like an adult.” This would name the misbehavior from the other person, explain why it is not tolerated and, in a slightly provocative way, ask the person to try again – just in an appropriate way, explains McGeehan.
“I do not think so.”
Condescending people tend to ignore or ridicule others’ opinions and viewpoints. With the simple sentence “I see it differently” you make it clear that you are aware of the one-sidedness of the conversation – and that you will not accept it without comment.
Important: You don’t end up in the trap of discrediting your counterpart, explains Dr. Marty A. Cooper: “This technique challenges the other perspective without explicitly saying that you think that person’s statement is false.”
“I’ll rephrase what you just said because I don’t think you were intentionally condescending towards me.”
Some people don’t even realize that they are being arrogant and that certain statements are hurtful. In such cases, you can of course alternatively say exactly this: “Do you realize that your statement hurts me?” An alternative is suggested by Dr. Erisa Preston told the online magazine: In this we make it very clear to our counterpart that we have the feeling that we are being treated condescendingly, but we relieve her of having to straighten out the situation. “This allows the person to save face for their condescension, but is reminded that they shouldn’t do it again,” the psychologist explains the effect of the sentence.
Alternatively, you can repeat the message you just received – and ask whether the other person meant it that way. This gives them the chance to classify, relativize or completely take back what has been said. Because our fellow human beings don’t always really want to keep us small. Sometimes they just don’t know how to express it better.
Sources used: duden.de, theguardian.com, ncbi.nlm.nih.giv, parade.com