“I wish you a lot of strength now!” Has anyone ever said that to you when you were feeling bad? Or did you wish it to someone else? Certainly well meant. But …
I still remember exactly how it was when my father died a few years ago: Many people have condoled our family and expressed their condolences and regrets that my father is no longer with us. There was something comforting about that for me. I thought it was nice to see so many people caring and sad about his death. That my father leaves his mark – not just on me.
However, during this time, this one sentence that some people said to me and which is often used in such situations was repeated: “I wish you a lot of strength now“Even back then it irritated me, but for a long time I couldn’t explain why. Now, after a few times I have consciously noticed how it was addressed to others, occasionally even almost giving it myself, I know what my problem with this sentence is and was – and that’s why I have decided never to say it again to someone who is going through a difficult time.
What is actually my problem?
When we wish someone strength, we are automatically expressing our belief that the person needs it most. On the one hand, this shows empathy, as it implies that we see and understand how difficult it is for the person in question and how much he * she has to endure. On the other hand, I ask myself: Why do we want strength of all things? Why do we think that this would be of the greatest help to our counterpart?
Let’s imagine the following picture: A person is dragging a pile of stones around with him. You can tell he’s about to collapse under the weight. Would we stand next to it and say: “I wish you a lot of strength now!”? Wouldn’t we rather offer our help? Or suggest that he discard a few stones? Or to rest for a while? Probably more the latter. Because wishing this person on the verge of collapse strength would be telling them to move on. Alone, with all the heavy stones on your shoulders. And that it can do it too – if only it’s strong enough. Does she collapse trying? Apparently she didn’t have enough strength …
What we say versus what matters
It’s absolutely clear to me: Anyone who wishes strength to other people in a difficult time or crisis means well. I may have done it myself in the past, with the best of intentions, of course. But without being fully aware of it, we are saying so much more to a person. We tell her to cope with whatever weighs on her right now. That she should be strong and ideally find strength somewhere in case she lacks it. This may even be thought of as encouragement by some. But when a person is already pressing stones weighing tons to the ground, such connotations can exert additional pressure that only makes the situation more difficult for them. This is, how it went in my case.
Of course, everyone deals with difficult situations differently and experiences them differently. But When my father died, I didn’t want strength – I wanted relief. I would have liked to be able to deal with his death and mourn in peace. I would have liked to tell others about my father, to show them what a great person he was. But nobody asked me what I wanted. Instead, they wished me strength – and thus conveyed the feeling that it was because of my lack of it, if I could not suppress my tears at work (at that time I was still busy elsewhere than currently).
We may or may not be aware of it, but in every “I now wish you a lot of strength” there is, in addition to the appreciative message “I see that you are having a hard time”, at least potentially also the demanding addition: “Make sure that you get along . ” And maybe that’s why the phrase is so popular and widespread …
Is that where our collective mindset speaks?
We currently live in a society in which power and strength are unreservedly admired and are considered to be absolutely desirable. We are taught that we are valuable when we function, strong when we never let ourselves get down. “Nobody cares how often you have fallen, as long as you get up again” … It fits with this mindset to wish strength to someone who is badly off. Power is what makes it operational again quickly. Which prevents him from being a burden to others or from pulling them down with his tears.
That could explain why it is so easy to say “I wish you strength”. When we meet people who mourn someone, take care of their terminally ill mother, have lost their existence due to Corona or are lonely in lockdown. We say it, socially shaped, without thinking about it, and find it not only appropriate, but even empathetic. But especially if something is easy for us to say in a difficult situation, it would probably be good to pause for a moment and think about whether we really stand behind it.
Wishing strength to someone whose world is in tatters right now may be well meant, and may well be wishing it for themselves. But if in doubt it might be better to first listen and try to find out what this person who stands before us and suffers, actually needs right now. Because even if it turns out that there is nothing more we can do for him: In the end, that probably gives him even more strength than a carelessly uttered empty phrase.
Sources used: own feelings, thoughts and experiences