Couples come and go, or even reform. After a breakup, and despite disagreements and suffering, feelings are sometimes stubborn. Then comes the desire to reconnect with the one who once made our hearts capsize and with whom a relationship was slowly built.
But is it a good idea to revive a story that has already come to an end? According to Véronique Kohn, psychologist specializing in romantic relationships, getting back together with an ex is not necessarily a decision to be avoided. However, you must be vigilant on certain points.
Recoupling: is reconnecting with an ex a bad idea?
Getting back together with your ex is generally seen in a negative light and as an idea doomed to failure. The subject is even at the heart of certain studies. Researchers from the University of Utah and the University of Toronto have found a psychological and scientific explanation for such a decision. After surveying people about their reasons for staying or leaving a relationship, they determined that most stayed out of optimism, family obligations, or emotional attachment, and left out of lack of trust and due to regular arguments
Their study supported the data which ensures that 50% of separated couples get back together and that the main reason is based on ambivalent feelings at the time of the breakup. Indeed, “when the relationship has ended, there is a feeling of bitterness, because we have the feeling that it has not come to an end“, explains Véronique Kohn. And, despite the suffering or possible toxicity of a story, “we take it back, because we have the impression that if we start differently we could improve the relationship with this partner who made us happy for many reasons“, she continues.
A relationship is neither black nor white, and although it can implode, giving it another chance doesn’t seem like a mistake. This can also be beneficial provided you do not reproduce the same pattern. “We must become aware of what has not worked and the unmet needs on both sides“, advises Véronique Kohn.
Getting back together with your ex: Learning the right lessons from separation
This clarity is all the more important, because it ensures the success of the newly formed couple. Reconnecting with a former partner becomes harmful when everyone’s intentions and thoughts related to the breakup are not clear. “We risk doing the same thing again. This is not going to work, because we are not reworking the basics and we do not know why we failed to manage the relationship“, assures the specialist.
Such a process can also be difficult to experience on an emotional and memory level. If we want to get back into a relationship with the other person and meet their expectations, we also have to manage past experiences, injuries, dramatic moments and chaos, especially at the time of the breakup, which we cannot forget.
“We cannot ignore our memory of the past, and we therefore expect the other to start making the same mistakes again.“, explains Véronique Kohn. We are in fact made up of positive and negative memories. These so-called distrust memories take the advantage, because our brain is made to avoid danger: we therefore anticipate the worst. “When you get back together with an ex, you observe him a lot to see if he isn’t going to repeat the mistakes he made. And this distrust creates a climate of insecurity“, continues the specialist.
Clarity is therefore essential in such a situation, and often involves a contract, consisting of certain rules, concluded between the two partners. Because if the relationship has broken down, it means that a limit has been crossed and that non-negotiable points no longer work. We must then ask each other, and with sincerity: what are we doing differently this time?
Read also:
⋙ Romantic breakup: these 4 signs announce the end of your relationship, according to an expert
⋙ Separation: when the other doesn’t want to, how to accept responsibility and not feel guilty? Advice from a psychologist
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