Relationship
8 conversations that will really help you as a couple
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Communication is the be-all and end-all in good relationships. That’s why couples researcher John M. Gottman and his wife Julie Schwartz Gottmann analyzed eight topics couples should definitely talk about.
What is the secret of happy relationships that last a lifetime? The right partner, some might say now. Unconditional love and loyalty, others counter. For the relationship researcher John M. Gottman, communication plays a fundamental role in successful partnerships. Through conversations we feel closer to our counterpart and can connect with him. This applies to all conversations – but of course the topic and the emotional depth play a role.
John Gottman has been researching love and relationships for 40 years. In his book “8 conversations every couple should have to keep love alive“, which he wrote with his wife Julie Schwartz Gottman, he names eight key topics of conversation that couples should address in the course of their relationship.
These 8 topics of conversation bring you closer to each other
1. Trust
According to John Gottman, trust is one of the cornerstones of a partnership. However, people deal with it differently. What it takes for someone to build trust, or how quickly it can be destroyed, varies widely. That’s why it’s important for couples to talk about trust and their personal understanding of fidelity.
2. Conflicts
Fighting is part of a healthy relationship. However, we should pay close attention to how we resolve conflicts. Couples should also talk about this: What hurts you? What is it that you can’t handle at all in a fight? Are there any situations or words that particularly trigger you? If we discuss these and similar questions openly with our:our partner:in, we can resolve conflicts fairly and at eye level – and thus grow as a couple.
3. Sex and intimacy
Talking about your sex life together is easy for some people and very difficult for others. In relationships, however, we can only benefit from openly communicating how often, how much and what kind of sex we want – or not. There is no right or wrong, but both partners should be honest here. The same goes for other aspects of intimacy, such as cuddling and kissing. Here, too, the needs can be very different. Talking helps!
4. Money
According to Gottman, arguments about money aren’t about the money itself—it’s about what money means to each partner. The relationship expert therefore recommends clarifying this as early as possible. What is important to you when it comes to money? How do you feel about topics such as buying real estate vs. renting, retirement planning, travel? Does money mean security or freedom for you? All of these points can have a huge impact on how important finances are for people – and thus how great the potential for conflict is.
5. family
Equally sensitive: the topic of family. What relationship we have with our parents, siblings or other relatives – and what relationship we expect our partner to have with these people – can strongly influence the harmony of the partnership. Also planning your own family – i.e.: do we want our own children, if so: when, how, how many and how should the work be divided up? – you should make it a topic of conversation at regular intervals.
6. Fun and adventure
Of course, a relationship shouldn’t and doesn’t always have to be about serious issues. After all, fun shouldn’t be neglected either. Therefore, according to Gottman, it is elementary that we discuss the topic regularly. What does fun look like to us? Lying on the couch and reading? Or rather skydiving? Both partners do not necessarily have to have the same idea about it – even if it honestly helps if they at least harmonize – but it is important to openly discuss such wishes and needs so that both sides are satisfied in the long term and get their money’s worth.
7. Spirituality
For some people, spirituality or even religion plays an important role. Others can’t do anything with it. The way we deal with the topic has a lasting effect on our view of the world and life, which is why we should talk to our sweetheart about it regularly.
8. Dreams
Even if it sounds unromantic: A relationship consists largely of sharing everyday life with each other. But that doesn’t mean they have to be just that. Everyone has dreams and longings that they might even want to turn into goals. How well these dreams and desires align with our partner’s—or at least how well he/she supports us in ours—can be an important factor in the success of the relationship.
Sources used: “8 conversations every couple should have to keep love alive” by John M. Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman, gottman.com, geo.de