A relationship burnout threatens if you don’t assume the role of a partner, but that of a parent. Because the latter can make your relationship a tour de force in the long run.
Many people love the first time in a new relationship: Everything is fresh and great, the partner is interesting, exciting, attractive. Every message makes your heart beat faster, every meeting brings you a little closer. Soon it is clear to both of you: you have searched and found each other. For many, the next step is to move into a shared apartment, to interlock two individual lives even more closely. And then at the latest you start to experience other sides of your favorite person. And they’re not just beautiful.
Raising partners usually starts small
Because your partner may lead a lifestyle that you can only partially relate to: everything is always done at the last minute, he:she is regularly late for appointments (with you and others) or for work. The apartment is a mess – when you’re not cleaning up behind it – and apparently your partner has never learned how to handle money. This is the only way to explain why he:she always has too little of it, but always has the latest smartphone, the trendiest clothes or all the training equipment for a sport that he:she started two days ago.
You train your partner, after all that’s how you do it in a relationship – right?
And somehow it all seems a little… stupid to you. Irrational and from your perspective absolutely incomprehensible. But what to do? Well, what could be more obvious than helping out a little? It usually starts small: you explain to him/her how to use a cleaning rag properly. You suggest to him/her that if you don’t want to be regularly late, it’s worth getting to work or an appointment on time. You sit down with him:her and draw up a financial plan. How you do it in a relationship – you educate the: the other. Or not?
You have a partner – no pet
Perhaps your handling of this situation may give you a good feeling at the beginning – after all, you do not silently observe an uncomfortable situation, but actively do something so that it turns for the better! It’s quite likely that things won’t go the way you envision. Your partner will sooner or later act the same as usual and you will feel frustrated because all your work, effort and time is not appreciated by the other.
Isn’t it the job of partners to mold their loved one into the best possible version of themselves? to educate you, to train you? In short: No, absolutely not.
Why would you want to raise your favorite person?
A relationship in which one side or even both think that the other side has to “adjust” or “improve” is not a relationship at eye level and certainly not a sexual-romantic partnership that can be described as healthy. Rather, it is the relationship that a parent has with their own child.
The question you should ask yourself in this case is: Why are you educating your partner? The answer to this is likely to be very individual: Perhaps you experienced in your childhood how your parents treat each other and took with you that a functioning and happy love relationship requires that one side educates the other and treats the other like a child.
Why can’t I be a little more spontaneous and less worried?
But you may also have a problem with the fact that your:e partner:in has a completely different lifestyle than you: while you are rather frugal and anxious, for example, your:e partner:in lives in the moment and doesn’t brood over them so much future and enjoy life in the here and now. It may be that your way of life just seems like the “only right” one and you unintentionally judge and want to change your favorite person because their behavior triggers fears in you.
It is also possible that you are actually dissatisfied with yourself. Maybe you’re like, “She’s always so thoughtless and just does what she feels like doing!” yes, rather: “Why can’t I be a little bit more spontaneous and less worried?” And it’s a lot easier to see (and tackle) what others think is a work in progress than it is to work on your own.
Before Relationship Burnout: What You Could Do Instead
And what should you do if you find yourself trapped in a parent-child relationship?
1. Do you want to stick with the relationship?
But to do that, you need to ask yourself some potentially awkward questions like: Do you still love the person? What exactly do you love about her? Maybe you were very focused on their “negative” sides for a long time, but maybe you have common values, principles – in short: a basis on which your relationship once stood securely.
2. Focus on yourself
We cannot change our fellow human beings. We cannot control what they say, think, do. We can only influence how we deal with it ourselves. Coming to terms with yourself can be difficult. In such cases, one can therapeutic support help you figure out why you’re holding on to certain things and what that’s doing to your relationships.
3. Give up control
Many people need a sense of control to create security. It is particularly difficult for them to give them up because they fear that something bad will happen to them otherwise. But if you really love your favorite person – the way he:she is – then you have to let him go. If this person recognizes certain behaviors as a problem for themselves, then you will be there and help. But if that’s not (and maybe never) the case, then you have to accept that.
Source used: psychologytoday.com