Oskar Holzberg
Is communication everything?
© Jacob Lund / Adobe Stock
Our couples therapist Oskar Holzberg’s column is all about typical love wisdom and their truthfulness; he dissects proverbs, song lyrics and famous quotes. This time: “Communication is not everything, but without communication everything is nothing” – Prof. Bernhard Pörksen, media scientist.
In short: And if anything is communication, then it is our love relationships.
And now in more detail: “What is the story that brings you here? And it may very well be that you won’t tell me the same story.” I often start a couple’s first couples therapy session in this or similar way. To which the couple then reacts extremely politely. “You’re welcome to start,” he then pipes. And she flatters back: “Thank you very much, but I’m happy to let you go first.” Of course they are not polite, but rather confused. They are afraid for their relationship and cautiously hold back. But this time it’s different. Urs immediately speaks up and explains in detail that he thinks it’s good to be here, but that he only came because Ella wanted him to. And to put it bluntly, he sees little point in talking here for hours as long as Ella doesn’t change her behavior. Finally I interrupt him and ask Ella for her answer. She replies verbosely that so much depends on her, that she’s really trying hard, but can’t do everything.
What does “communication” actually mean?
Talking is obviously part of communicating. But communication only begins when we stop talking past each other. What Urs and Ella really feel remains in the fog. But it is clear that Urs must first give up his self-righteous grandiosity and Ella must soften her self-blame so that what is supposed to happen through communication happens in their communication: learning to understand each other, connecting, finding something in common.
But many people have never learned to talk about themselves. Because no one was really interested in them. Because her feelings didn’t matter. They become the notorious communication grumps who refuse relationship conversations and declare them pointless. Or they become emotional slalom riders and avoid every feeling with superficial chatter, as if it were an annoying obstacle. They trivialize every conflict, everything is always “nullo problemo”. But we have to communicate because we are like black boxes for each other. Boxes we can’t look into. Gifts can be ever so heartfelt, mutual consideration can be ever so attentive, sex can be ever so passionate and the life we have built together can be ever so worth living. Without verbal communication, we cannot resolve conflicts, bridge divisions, or heal emotional injuries. Lack of communication is a killer.
Communication is not everything
But communication is not a panacea either. It doesn’t solve everything. Words even lead to painful misunderstandings within seconds, especially in our romantic relationships, where we always listen with a particularly large relationship ear to everything that is said by our partner. Does saying “Come on, don’t take it so hard!” mean that how we feel is not taken seriously? Does our partner not find us relaxed and confident enough? Or do we even annoy them and be unlovable to them? Our inner commitment checker is always active. Are we loved? Is the relationship right? Is it stable and safe? And that’s why we have to communicate.
Communication isn’t everything in love either. But every communication touches everything. If we don’t pay attention to this, then everything will soon be nothing.
Oskar Holzberg, 67, has been advising couples in his Hamburg practice for over 20 years and has been married for over 30 years. His current book is called “New Key Phrases of Love” (240 pages, 11 euros, DuMont).
© Ilona Habben