We get respect. But if we fail, it's more than respect.
Kerstin lost respect. When Joachim is lounging on the sofa, there is no longer a man there to relax from work, but a spoiled boy who cannot get his life in order. By now she could scream when she stumbles across his worn-out sneakers in the hallway. Kerstin does not want to despise Joachim. But when she thinks about why she does it anyway, she realizes that she doesn't feel respected by him either. Its unreliability. The promises that he does not keep. Your wishes for more time together, which he can only answer with more work and tennis tournaments.
Closeness instead of distance
In (love) relationships, respect is an interaction. The feeling of not being respected permanently kills your own respect for your partner. Respect means "deference, respect, awe, shyness, admiration". So a considerate, appreciative attitude based on a "respectful" distance. But that's exactly what is easily lost in a love relationship, because after all we want closeness and not distance. And so we sometimes get banal into a dynamic of disrespect: He wants to use our cell phone because his is not charged. Of course, gladly! But then he asks again. And again. At some point, he will naturally use our smartphone. And at some point it annoys us. Not only because he is obviously too stupid to charge his cell phone in time. But because he has us so naturally. And isn't he always ignoring our request not to let his sweaty jogging clothes air out in the living room? Somehow we no longer feel seen, taken seriously, disregarded. No longer respected.
Oskar Holzberg, 66, has been advising couples in his Hamburg practice for more than 20 years and is always asked relationship questions. His current book is called: "New key phrases of love" (242 p., 20 euros, Dumont).
When the time comes, it is time for us to "get respect again". However, this is not possible by angrily demanding, but by showing how much the disrespect I experience affects me – and the partner really lets it go. On the other hand, if we continue to offend and insult ourselves in the dispute, mutual respect threatens to be lost. Just like the big respect killer lies, affairs or broken promises, where not only the everyday limits of togetherness are violated, but those of the relationship.
Compassion and empathy
We often don't take seriously that we don't feel respected. We think we are too sensitive or are responsible for being treated like this. But respect is based on compassion and empathy. Whenever we don't feel respected, we lack that our partner empathizes with us. We cannot expect to be respected forever. But we should be able to feel respected again because our pain is understood by the disrespect suffered. And if that doesn't happen or our partner doesn't change their behavior – then more than just the respect in our love relationship has been lost.
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