behaviour rules
So my counterpart can pay a nice compliment
At best, compliments are a great way to make others happy.
© Antonio Guillem / Shutterstock.com
A dearly meant compliment can quickly backfire. This must be taken into account so that the other person gets a positive feeling.
When you compliment someone, you actually intend to flatter the other person and make them feel positive. Unfortunately, a well-intentioned compliment can come across very differently to the other person. In their book “In the jungle of human coexistence – a etiquette for the 21st century” (Goldmann), the authors Henriette Kuhrt and Sarah Paulsen report on how flattery can quickly turn into the opposite.
In an interview with the news agency spot on news, the women explain how complimenting has changed, especially after debates about #MeToo. Because: “#MeToo was a milestone in the dealings between men and women”, Kuhrt and Paulsen are convinced. “It was overdue that sexist comments – you can hardly call them compliments – were exposed for what they are: an instrument of power that gives one the right to judge the other – on the basis of sexual attractiveness . ”
Who should compliment whom?
Compliments are not disparaging per se, “but the confetti of everyday life, so we shouldn’t get rid of them,” say the two authors. “On the contrary: women could start complimenting men.” That takes courage, they both know. Because a compliment would make you “vulnerable”.
But not only women and men should say something nice to each other, advise Kuhrt and Paulsen: “Compliments are not only part of courtship behavior, members of the same sex also deserve them – women are more experienced in this than men To be the perpetrator of the male gaze, but to make others happy. ” The more recognition floats through everyday life, “the better for us all”.
What should you watch out for when complimenting?
Kuhrt and Paulsen warn: “Everyone should learn from the earlier mistakes men made: lewd sayings about well-fitting trousers don’t get any better when they come from a woman. We therefore recommend not to assume that everyone is happy about every comment , but to be cautious, especially with people you don’t know. ” The authors explain this using a simple rule of thumb: “What I am not allowed to touch, I am also not allowed to comment.”
Therefore, they recommend not making comments about a person’s appearance unless they come up with the topic of their own accord. But what should dearly meant words refer to? “If you praise skills, taste or children, you are actually always on safe ground,” say Kuhrt and Paulsen. “That’s why you should always question your motives, namely: What do I want to achieve with it? Get a cheaper price for the car, a promotion, chat someone to bed? It’s better to refrain from greasy strategy compliments.”