Saving Relationship: Here's How You Can Do It!

Science tries to answer this question by flipping it: what is the secret of happy couples? Researchers at the University of Mannheim have investigated what distinguishes long-term stable marriages from those at risk of separation. The result: "Stable relationships have a supportive framework that unhappy couples lack," explains Mannheim couples therapist and author Ursula Nuber ("What couples need to know"). Such "framed couples" share a passion like music or climbing. They have the same convictions – are eco-freaks or with the FDP, Buddhists or strictly Catholic, dream of a little house in the countryside or of life in the community: an inner motor simply lets them run smoothly together. Such a basic cement seems to be lacking in couples who separate more quickly.

No, common interests and goals can also grow. But that takes time. And patience to negotiate what's really important in the relationship, what makes it unique. On the way there, love unfortunately stumbles into traps again and again.

Psychologists call the trend "half-relationship". See you, but without obligation. You have sex without oaths of loyalty – love without notice. Sounds hippier and freer than: "We've been a couple for ten years." On the one hand. On the other hand, turning half relationships into "whole relationships" can be difficult.

And how long does it go well? The problem is: After a short time, such relationships always become imbalanced. One loves a little more, the other continues to keep all escape doors open. One feels small and unloved, the other holds the threads of closeness and distance in hand.

You never know what can develop. Perhaps it will actually become the great love fire. However, psychologists advise not to place too much hope in such models and always to observe carefully: How much does the distance of the other hurt me? How well can I actually endure the relationship? When in doubt, it is better to say goodbye.

No, that has changed. Women are more often employed than in the past, are more independent and are more on the road. And: In a globalized world and thanks to the Internet, it is easier to find relationships. This increases the possibility of saying goodbye if it doesn't fit. However, emotional scars are often left behind – regardless of whether one is the one who has left or has been abandoned.

A lousy relationship outcome is disappointing for both parties, just for different reasons. Either way, our emotional memory remembers: Something went wrong here, that hurt! According to brain researchers, disappointed lovers store bad experiences and wounds. The brain tries to learn from this for the future. It builds in protective mechanisms so that injuries do not recur. People who have experienced many strokes of life are therefore proven to be more careful when choosing a partner. Of course, such wounds can be healed by having good bonding experiences and thus reversing the polarity of the memory of love. But that presupposes that you recognize which crisis-ridden relationship patterns you carry within yourself – and what you are afraid of in love.

And how should it be? The sociologist Sven Hillenkamp ("The End of Love") complains that today we have far too many and too high expectations of our partners. It has to be beautiful, sexy, successful. If he accidentally leaves his socks on during sex, all our lights go out in horror. When it comes to love, Hillenkamp sees many people today as maximizers who live in the belief that there is a perfect partner somewhere. Even if everything is fine in their current relationship. Sounds harsh: But it is precisely this wishful thinking that keeps us from permanently getting involved with someone else.

Of course not. It can really be that the partner doesn't fit. But what you should consider: No one in the world can satisfy all internal needs. The romantic idea of ​​the one soul mate we have yet to find can make a functioning relationship very unstable, says Ursula Nuber. By constantly glancing left and right to see if someone better is coming along, we block our happiness with our current partner.

The idea of ​​love has actually changed a lot in recent years, has become more idealistic, and in some ways more unrealistic. In the 1950s, it was all about a sense of duty. Once you got married, you stayed together. In the 1970s, the urge for individual freedom dominated. Today the partnership is discovered as an elementary source of meaning, which is accompanied by an enormous appreciation of feelings.

Great feelings are no guarantee that a relationship will last. As a promise of salvation, they are also dangerous. Recently, an online partner agency published a ranking of the most common reasons for separation. In the first places there were disappointed expectations such as: "We have grown apart", "We had too different needs for closeness and freedom". Such statements, according to Ursula Nuber, reflect the disenchantment and disappointment that there is too little closeness, too little intimacy, in short, too little feeling in the relationship. A disappointment that may not be entirely realistic. You can't emotionally climb Mount Everest every day with a partner.

But how high is the bar? What incredible expectations do we have of love? Wouldn't we be a little happier if we put it a little lower? Anyone who immediately throws in the towel at every crisis in a relationship because they see themselves disappointed in their expectations deprives themselves of an important experience: disappointments and crises that have been overcome together can weld two people together.

The author Sven Hillenkamp advises a marriage of convenience. At first glance, that sounds pretty dusty and cramped. But it has less to do with staying with a partner against internal resistance, but rather with choosing a partner who is good for you, advises the sociologist. The Heidelberg couple therapist and author Arnold Retzer ("Praise of the marriage of convenience") speaks of "resigned maturity". You accept to have found someone with whom you can live happily and stay with him. And gives up the illusion that there always only has to be positive feelings of madness in the partnership.

Couples therapist Ursula Nuber advises securing love with second-order decisions. By this she means instructions that we have set ourselves, which we automate just as much as the fact that we buckle up in the car before we drive off. Such second-order decisions could include "I am not cheating on my partner" or "If my partner is okay with me in important areas, I am not questioning my relationship". Granted, that sounds incredibly narrow-minded and exhausting at first, but it makes loving a lot easier!

… and they often come when you least expect them. For example, satisfaction in the relationship drops dramatically after the birth of the first child. The most dangerous for love are the first two years with the classic toddler crises: too little sex, too little sleep. Using video footage, a team of researchers at Texas A&M University found that fathers and mothers communicated less well after giving birth than before and that they argued more often. This is simply because the togetherness must first form a family. It is perfectly normal for relationships to wobble whenever there are major changes in life. This also applies when, for example, the children leave the house. Suddenly it is a matter of getting back to togetherness and finding new similarities.

How bad that is depends on the communication in the respective relationship, says Prof. Ulrich Clement, head of the Institute for Sex Therapy in Heidelberg. Most cheating has to do with dissatisfaction. It is a crisis in which a topic comes to light that may have been in the room for a long time: Both of them may have let the relationship slide and would like more attention. If both are willing to talk about needs and hurts, love has a great chance even after an affair.

Research has long underestimated how stressful the relationship is in everyday life. While greater strokes of fate can weld couples together, a nerve-racking everyday life can slowly but surely destroy even the greatest emotions. The Friborg genealogist Prof. Guy Bodenmann found out: The constant daily stress disturbs a love on several levels. For one, stressed couples have less time for each other. The result: Less we-feeling, the time together is only enough to discuss the essentials. At the same time, communication between the couples becomes more negative. Under stress, partners find it harder to empathize with each other and react more irritably and intolerantly. It helps: consciously counteracting with time-outs for two, clear agreements and the effort to understand not only your own position but also that of the other.

Absolutely not. Unfortunately, many couples allow partnerships to become too natural. They spend quality time together, quality time is reserved for others: you go shopping with your loved one, discuss everyday life with them and watch TV together. This is about as fun as bringing the car in for inspection. Touches and caresses only happen incidentally, as a greeting there is a kiss on the cheek that you won't even be able to remember later. The death of love! So the very highest railway, to ensure quality times and to plan them together. No matter whether once a week or every evening shortly before bed: the main thing is that there is time for two when it is not about everyday life, but about shared experiences, shared feelings and interests.

Both. After an affair, after the first real big row, after months of stressful family phase, both have to realize: Love is not as romantic as expected. But if both of them get through the crisis together, if they grow from it, it is like passing a high school diploma. They fought – first against each other, then for each other. They cried, argued and negotiated. You have said goodbye – it will never be the same again. Now begins a new, more mature phase of the relationship that would not be possible in this depth with any other person.

In this case, staying silent and waiting for better times is of no use. Many relationships fail because lovers have missed reacting at the right moment, because they have withdrawn to spare love. Strong couples, on the other hand, are masters at planning the future anew, saying goodbye to old dreams and finding new ones together.

What matters is not whether you solve conflicts or problems, but how you try to solve them. Happy couples try to meet their difficulties not through injury, but through humor, distraction, affection, and respect. It is clear to them: The closer someone else comes, the closer they come to fears, weaknesses, injuries. So there is no point in dreaming of perfect harmony and a flawless partner. But about having someone by your side who at some point knows and understands you better than anyone else.