Often enough we get annoyed about assholes in everyday life. We often don’t even notice how quickly we become assholes ourselves without wanting to. But we can do something about that!
by Anja Niekerken
Yesterday I actually stood in front of a half-full toilet paper shelf and briefly considered hoarding a few packs … I don’t care if other people don’t get any more. Let them get up as early as I do. I just earned this…
And there it was again: my asshole self…
Surprising, because a few days ago I was still shaking my head at crazy drugstore customers who threatened to hit the staff because they only wanted to treat them to a pack of toilet paper. Then I thought “How antisocial is that?” And “Why toilet paper of all things? There are really more important things than a clean bottom of your pants…” Well, as it is, it didn’t take long, and my asocial side pushed my radiant self aside and just made it clear who is in charge here in my thoughts …
Each of us knows this struggle.
Maybe not when it comes to toilet paper, but certainly when it comes to other issues that are important to us. We have this great image of ourselves in our heads, how we would like to be and how we like to see ourselves, the so-called self-image. Unfortunately, we don’t always manage to be how we would like to be or how we see ourselves. That sounds strange at first, but it’s pretty easy to explain. For example, I see myself as environmentally conscious and I honor this quality. My husband and I are even very proud that a while ago we spent three times as much on a wood pellet heating system with a solar thermal system compared to a gas heating system. In return, we have dispensed with other things, such as a new kitchen. Of course, we always say that with pride, to prove how environmentally conscious we are. On the other hand, we also drive short distances by car and we are not vegan either. We don’t just buy Demeter products, and time and again completely superfluous plastic consumer goods end up on our Amazon shopping list…
Unfortunately not as perfect as expected
One of the reasons why people like Greta Thunberg are opposed by many people is because people like Greta show them that there is much more to do and that we are not as perfect as we would like to be. Our self-image is on very shaky ground. We have to actively ignore many things that we do and don’t do in order to maintain our self-image. And the moment someone tells us that we’re not quite so perfect, we freak out internally and, depending on our temperament, also externally. We go into self-defense mode and protect our self-image, often at whatever cost. This mode also varies depending on temperament and self-reflection skills.
Also with me.
Just because I write about it doesn’t mean that this mode isn’t at the start for me. Sometimes I’m aware of it and sometimes I’m not. It often takes a while for me to realize what is going on inside me. That’s not nice. In fact, it’s quite an uncomfortable process. Because in such a moment I realize that I’m not the great person I would like to be. This is – pardon my French – real shit. Nobody needs it… But how are we supposed to change or even improve if we are not aware of our mistakes. Stupid situation …
Just be a little gentle with yourself
Above all, it helps me not to be so strict with myself. Nobody is infallible. Why should it be me? Besides, I can learn from my mistakes if I want to. So I approach moments of uncomfortable realization with tense curiosity. True to the motto: Oh look, you weren’t as clever on the road again… Why was that?
How would you like to be next time?
That actually helps. Especially when I’m clear about how I want to react the next time. In contrast to the popular self-torture, where the main question is what could have been done differently, asking about future behavior is much more effective. I can’t change the past anyway. So why keep thinking about it? It makes more sense to think about how to do it better next time. This kills two birds with one stone: there is no more brooding and the possibility of conforming to your own self-image the next time is much higher.
Unfortunately, that doesn’t always work either.
Because one thing is certain: we all mutate into assholes from time to time. For me, the art is to always find out about yourself, not to take yourself too seriously and occasionally prefer to sweep your own front door than others.
©PR
Funny, vivid and close to everyday life, Anja Niekerken shows in “The Art of Not Being an Asshole” how we manage to stay who we want to be even in stressful times, annoying situations or just shitty circumstances. A must for anyone who doesn’t want to become an asshole unintentionally.Anyone who doesn’t want to become an asshole unintentionally.
© Anja Niekerken
Anja Niekerken is a native of the North: drools without a period or comma about things that captivate and inspire her or just shut up and listen in fascination. She conveys her content in a down-to-earth and direct manner, with a lot of humor and real-life examples. Whether in her books, in her Natural Leadership Podcast or in her seminars and lectures.